Tuesday, August 31, 2004

Just when I thought it was safe to go back in the water...

...the sharks appear.

Although, I guess I'm not totally guilt-free. I threw the chum in the water! I really thought I was reaching a point where I felt really good about my eating habits. I have felt the last few weeks like I could relax a little bit where food was concerned, not be so "nutrition Nazi-ish", and just enjoy life a little bit more without thinking about what I am eating every second. Wrongo.

Today I went to that continuing education class that I mentioned yesterday, and afterwards, the vendor that put on the class catered lunch from the Olive Garden. The class was supposed to let out at noon, and I scheduled my first field appointment for today at 1:30 pm. The class didn't get out until 12:30, and I honestly did not have enough time to stop and get lunch on the way. I thought I would be late. (I was late anyway, but that's besides the point.) So, I decided to eat lunch with what they had. I sighed when I saw it. Lasagna, salad, breadsticks and chocolate lasagna for dessert. I have always wanted to try the chocolate lasagna. I don't eat at Olive Garden very often, but every time I have, I've wanted to order that chocolate lasagna for dessert but by the time it's time for dessert, I'm too full from the pasta to eat it. So, I had a small slice of lasagna (about six bites worth), a very small slice of the chocolate lasagna (about four bites worth), two breadsticks and a serving of salad. And tea. No big deal, right?

You would not BELIEVE the comments I had to endure from my coworkers.

"Erica, are you feeling all right?"
"What happened to the training?"
"Are you not doing your diet anymore?"
"What happened to the diet?"
"I can't believe what I'm seeing!"
"Well, as long as you don't eat like that every day..."
"Are you sure you got enough to eat? You barely have anything on your plate!"
"I have got to see what you are eating!"

What the &%$#? What business is it of ANY of my coworkers what I am eating? And this from people who had serving sizes five times the size of mine on their plates? I don't understand why people feel the incessant need to pick apart what I'm eating. I have endured comments like this for a long time, but none in a while, so it kind of shocked me when they started in on me like that at lunch. And it really threw me into a funk. The self-loathing, scale-obsessing, depressed kind. It just felt like everyone in that room was looking at me and what I was eating and thinking, "Wow, she really has no business eating that." It's the same feeling I used to get whenever I would order bad food in front of one of my thinner friends. And I didn't get home from my field appointments until eight, dead tired of course, and so I skipped the gym. Again. I know I must sound like I'm full of excuses, but I was exhausted, my legs and butt are killing me from my intense leg workout last night, and all I wanted to do was just sit, write in my blog about my crappy day and stitch.

Ok, whining over. I guess this is a good time to call my therapist and schedule an appointment. *sigh* All I know is I feel fat, lumpy and not at all lean like I did the other day.

The bright spots in my day were small, but they were there. I just had to look hard for them.

*My friend S told me that I shouldn't worry what everyone in my office thinks because I have the best body of all the girls at our office. I wish that I could believe that, but it was so nice of her to say it.
*P agreed with her when I told him what she said.
*Queenie gave me one of the best compliments I have ever had from her...she told me that one of my roof denials that I submitted on Friday was one of the best files that she had ever seen and that she told one of the other supervisors on Friday that she thought he should use that file as a textbook example of what a roof denial should look like. Wow. I was floored! It feels great whenever I get compliments, but I have such respect for her...when she gives me a compliment, it means a lot. Every time I tell her how much her opinion means to me and how highly I regard her, she just makes a joke that I'm sucking up to her! Ha!
*She also told me that she believes that she has snared our third fire adjuster, F. He's an adjuster that has been part of our office for about two years and he's very nice and very good. He's supposed to call me tomorrow to get the off-the-record version of what I think of the fire team, unsugarcoated, and then he's going to give Queenie his answer on Thursday, and hopefully I'll start working with him and C both next week....if someone would burn their house down, that is.

I watched The Godfather last night for the first time. Granted, it was a slow starter, but talk about a captivating movie! I really enjoyed it. I can't believe how captivating Al Pacino is! Wow. I can't wait to see the second one! I exchanged that and the other one for The Passion of the Christ and The Girl Next Door, so those will be the next ones we watch. I'm a little anxious to watch The Passion of the Christ. I've been so curious about it since it first came out. I really didn't want to see it in the theater. I have a pretty strong feeling that it's going to affect me very deeply, and for that? I want to be in the privacy of my own living room! P feels the same way...but he says he's not ready to watch it yet. He says he has to psych up for it. I know this though...I won't be stitching during it. In case you didn't know, it is completely in Aramaic with English subtitles, and this movie, I want to totally take in and understand every moment. They've been showing commercials all night (I'm watching Nip-Tuck as I write this) since it was released on DVD today and every time one comes on, I just stop and stare. Hm. Maybe tonight should be the night instead!

Okay, on to the memes. I just want to sit here on the couch and relax with my stitching (or The Passion) and forget about the day I had.

Chick Chat first. I LOVE this meme! (Lindsey, you reading that?)

When I Was Little...
1. Who was your idol? Olivia Newton-John. I just loved her in Grease. I remember I wanted my hair to look JUST like hers. I even styled my hair that way in elementary school. I had the Grease soundtrack and the Xanadu soundtrack on LP and I used to listen to them a lot.
2. What color/kind of hair did you want? I liked my hair color (blonde), but I remember distinctly when I was younger always wanting wavy, fluffy hair. I permed it a few times to try for the effect that I wanted, but it always came out looking like I put my finger in an electric socket, and then a few weeks later, my hair was back to being straight as a board again.
3. Did you dream about a career or being a mommy? A career.
4. Who was your big star crush? Jordan Knight of New Kids on the Block.
5. What did you want to be when you 'grew up'? I seem to remember wanting to be a doctor when I was much younger until I got into high school and realized that I hated science and math. My junior year in high school, I took a journalism class and realized that I had a real talent for writing and layout, and the next year I was selected to be the editor. So, I went to school to become a layout editor. I loved my journalism classes, especially the ones on editing and graphic design. I bet you're wondering what happened and how I became an adjuster instead? Well, I discovered my senior year that the people that become editors are the ones that really really want it, because you have to work some really bad hours for really little money to get those positions!

Next, TV Tuesday...

1. How much of the Olympics did you watch? Just whenever my husband had it on tv. I did manage to watch several of the relays in track and in swimming, some of the weight lifting (those Chinese chicks are scary!) and the end of men's diving.
2. What's your favorite Olympic sport? Swimming.
3. What's your least favorite Olympic sport or one you feel should be removed? I'm sure there are some really obscure ones that weren't on television that I wouldn't like, but my least favorite sport to watch was badminton. I wouldn't go so far as to say that it should be removed though. I'm sure there are plenty of people who think badminton is a compelling sport.
~Bonus~ If you could participate in the Olympics what sport would you want to be in? Swimming! I got such a CHARGE out of watching the women's swimming, especially the relays.

And last, but not least, the Daily Dirt. Just as a matter of interest, I LOATHED country music until I started working at Lone Star in college and was forced to listen to it over and over again. Like a fungus, it just kind of grows on you.

1. Do you like country music? I do now, yes.
2. If not, why not, and if so, what do you like about it? I like the feel of it. It just has a good rhythm and most of the newer stuff has great lyrics to it.
3. Do you like older or newer country better? Why? I prefer newer country for the reason stated above. The newer country is not as twangy.
4. Who's your favorite country singer/band? Shania Twain.
5. Why do you think country music is so unpopular to younger people? I think it feels very adult contemporary, boring and twangy to kids. That's how it felt to me! I didn't like it until I was twenty years old.

Okay, I guess that's all I've got for today. Whew. I'm tired and I feel better now that I've vented a little bit. Tomorrow, no field appointments and no people. None. Just me, the quiet solitude of my office, the warm soft glow of my new lamp and some quiet music. Yay.

And the gym. Yes. I will go.


Blogger Rachel said...

ACK! I'm so sorry about your co-workers! Sheesh, can people never figure out how to keep their mouths shut? A sliver of Chocolate Lasagne and what? You're going to gain 50 pounds? And if you do, still none of their business! I hope you feel less "lumpy" tomorrow.

9:26 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

E, don't let the office people make you feel bad. After all your hard, butt busting work the past year to get yourself healthy, the last thing you should do is worry about having lasagna and dessert. I think anyone who nags or whines or makes a big deal over what you do or don't eat is just jealous.

Plus, who are they to talk, with their plates loaded? Big razzberries to them!


9:26 PM  
Blogger Mia said...

Erica, don't let your office co-workers get you down. They are jealous that you are doing something to make yourself better. You be proud of all you have accomplished in the healthy eating and exercise department. So what that you cheated a bit yesterday. It is not the end of the world and it is not like you will keep on doing it. You hang in there. If it is any consolation, I only had a few bright spots yesterday that I had to look very hard for too.

6:10 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't know if I wouldn't have looked at the comment in this way - most probably don't have your drive and willpower to do what you have done. I think they're projecting their own internal dialogue about sticking to a plan, the payoff of hard work, and maybe some failure in the past they've had in that area. You've actually accomplished an incredible thing in your life and they don't want you to fail since you're the STRONG ONE WHO DID IT. If you fail they'll think that they'll never be able to accomplish it. That's my take on it. Maybe some were being childish, but I think they were projecting some internal failure and that issue onto you.

9:14 AM  
Blogger WhizGidget said...

The people you work with sound like they're a complete pain in the rear... and busybodies besides.

It's none of their business if you want to eat what you ate for lunch. It would be none of their business if you just ate salad, or simply drank water for lunch.

I've noticed that some people simply feel better about what they eat when they see someone else eating healthy - it's one of those "if they can do that, and look like *that*, then I don't have to starve myself and simply maintain" - which we all know isn't the truth.

Those folks need to get a life, and you eat whatever the mood suits you at the time without compromising the goals and guidelines that you've set for yourself. Just look at the pictures, hon, and see how far you've really come. Sheesh. People totally need to get a life.

9:26 AM  
Blogger Margaret said...

Good grief! YOu have worked hard to shed weight with great success. YOu should not feel guilty about a little indulgence here and there, as long as it isn't everywhere! LOL

Some of the comments may have come from the fact that everyone is so used to watching you eat healthy stuff all the time, they were shocked that you ate "junk food". DOn't let them bother you, as you know what you are doing better than they do. Keep doing what you are doing, and a treat is nice! {{HUGS}}

10:26 AM  
Blogger Mindy said...

Erica, don't you let them make you feel bad! You have totally transformed yourself in the past year and you look amazing and I can tell that you are also a good, genuine and honest person. Unfortunately, sometimes our "friends" don't like us to change and sabotage us. I don't think it's usually on purpose, but it happens. One meal like this is not going to be a problem. If you started eating a pizza every night, then you can worry :-)

You are one of my weighty-loss role models. I've been stagnating for quite some time but at least I'm not gaining. I am about where you were when you began and you have shown me that it's possible to be healthy again and look great. Keep it up!!

11:24 AM  

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