Sunday, December 26, 2004

Deck the Halls with shelves of Dooneys!

Okay, I admit it...I'm shallow! Shopping cheers me up. And today I got to shop! I actually braved the crowds and we sat in about 30 minutes of traffic to get to the one and only Dooney and Bourke store in Dallas to buy my newest additions, courtesy of my father and stepmother!



Actually, the bag (it's called a medium gym bag) is the gift from Dad and S...the wallet is from my company. I used part of the bonus I got from doing pager duty for my company this week. Plus, my little gift card from Dooney helped.

Yup, I admit it...it's juvenile and probably not the most mature or adult bag I could have purchased. P was BEGGING me to get a more sedate signature bag. But I can't help it...I've been drooling over the Hearts line ever since it was released late this summer. It's just so cute! Dad, S, THANK YOU for the great Christmas gift!!!!!

Anyway, it's all switched over, the registration cards are in my mailbox, and the receipts are filed away. I think I am set for a while. I'm supposedly getting another bonus in a few weeks, which I will probably save for another one this spring after their spring line is released...and I promised P that I will get a mature bag, whatever that means. I guess it means no more purses with heart charms. At any rate, I guess this definitely classifies me as a purse addict!

My other purchase was a bottle of jasmine tuberose perfume by Henri Bendel from Bath and Body Works...it smells very nice. (That was also from Dad and S...thank you again!) I also stopped by Kinko's and Wal-Mart to finish kitting up the last of my new projects...Angel of the Sea, Adia, Titania, Three for Tea, Nantucket Rose and the Minstrel. I made all the working copies and picked up what shreds of floss that Wal-Mart had left. If it wasn't on sale for 24 cents, I wouldn't have even bothered. But I think I can supplement what they didn't have from my own stash.

Shopping definitely makes me feel better. I'm quite smiley at the moment. I'm sure it is temporary, but I'll take what I can get. I did promise P that I would at least try to be happier in the weeks coming forward. I'm hitting the gym tomorrow and starting to diet again, so I'm hoping that the endorphins that I'll get from exercise will help. But most of all, I really need to lose a few pounds and slim down. I know that the weight I need to lose is nothing compared to what I've already lost, but ten pounds, believe it or not, feels like a LOT of weight to me right now, especially when I know I won't really start to see it shedding off for a few weeks. But I've got to do it...or else I won't fit into any of my pants soon! And I don't want that. I'm kind of scared to go back to the gym though...I know I'm going to get a lot of questions from the regulars about where I've been for the last three months. Not sure what I'm going to say just yet...I'll think about it tomorrow.

Another thing I'm going to try to do in the coming year is try to stop working so much. These late nights have GOT to stop. Even though I've been sad the last few days, it has been nicer not being so focused on work. Stitching before bed has been a great way to wind down, and I really want to stop giving so much to work and start feeling like I have a life again. So, I'm going to try my best.

I guess you can say that those are my New Year's resolutions for 2005...so I'll go ahead and list them for the record:

-establish a routine of eating healthy and exercising again
-get back to pre-pregnancy weight
-take prenatal vitamins every day
-stop working till all hours of the night
-stitch at least one hour per day
-try to make every day a good day and remember to smile

If I can just concentrate on all of these things and remember to smile, take it one day at a time and be thankful for what I have in life, everything else will fall into place, including my next pregnancy.

Here's hoping anyway!!!

Saturday, December 25, 2004

Joy to the World? I don't think so!

I probably should start posting a disclaimer on this blog...read at your own risk! I admit I even sound whiny to myself. Should I be so hard on myself? The miscarriage was barely three weeks ago.

Our Christmas Eve was very pleasant yesterday...we had a early dinner out and then came home to watch movies in front of the fire and I stitched for the first time in a while, as you can tell from the updated picture on the right. We watched Dodgeball and Collateral, both movies I would recommend. I even thought to myself, "Hey, maybe this won't be so bad."

This morning I woke up to the cheerful sound of my pager going off and had to tell this guy that his slab leak wasn't covered, which was not a great way to start my Christmas Day. For a flash, I really thought about just staying home from my inlaws and sparing myself the grief. And if P wasn't feeling dizzy (I think his allergies are causing vertigo) and was able to drive himself, I would have skipped the whole damn thing.

But no. I made myself go and tried to be the trooper.

It was fine getting there, and when we walked in, everyone was already there...and the "poor you" looks started up right away. Everyone was being so careful not to say anything, I could tell, and they were being all inquisitive and curious about me, my life, work, etcetera, much more than they usually are. I was fine for the moment. When the kids started to open their presents, it got a little harder...I felt very out of place and sad and not at all like celebrating Christmas.

The icing on the cake (as I predicted) was when my sister-in-law, M, walked in with her two girls. This is the one that is pregnant, and when I said I thought she was 19 weeks, I was right...she's showing a lot and everything. And she's got that pregnant glow that everyone has. It was very hard to see her but what was even harder was when she came over to me first before anyone else, even my mother in law, hugged me and whispered, "I'm so sorry."

Yeah, that was all it took to turn on Niagara Falls.

Fortunately, my other SIL, S, was watching me and apparently could tell I was going downhill fast, and took me in another room to cry and she gave me a hug. She has had four miscarriages, so she's no stranger to the pain, that's for sure. I just didn't know what to say or do other than cry and try bravely to get a grip. Then P came in. Then his brothers came in. It was just so hard. And no one knows what to say. My BIL R (M's husband) asked what I had made for dessert, and my answer was that I brought storebought crap because I just didn't feel like making anything. Definitely not the response R was expecting...I usually bring these elaborate desserts like apple pie, cheesecake, pineapple upside-down cake, homemade brownies, but all I could muster up this year was stopping at Albertson's and picking up a generic apple pie and some icky icky brownies decorated with purple and pink icing. Lovely. I couldn't even make myself eat them.

I tried for a little while longer to pull it together, but then my third SIL, G, came over and tried to talk to me about it and gave me the whole, "Oh, it's for the best/it means it wasn't meant to be/God has a plan/you just have to pray/you'll get pregnant again before you know it" routine, which by the way I am sick to DEATH of hearing, and I finally just asked P if we could leave.

Lesson learned...if I don't feel ready yet to be around kids and pregnant women, don't. A, I feel like a big loser because I wasn't able to hold my composure for just a few hours while we had this Christmas celebration; B, I know my crying made M feel terrible; and C, I probably managed to at least put a strong damper on everyone's Christmas by getting so upset.

I really should have just stayed home. My being there didn't add anything of value to anyone's Christmas, and I think I would have been better off if I just had stayed home.

I do have some positive stuff to share...mostly shopping related. The gift cards are flooding in. I got a $50 giftcard to Lundstrom's Jewelers last week, so P took me there the other night and bought me a peridot ring set in white gold with it. That was nice. My dad's present arrived yesterday...a check specifically noted for a new Dooney, giftcard to Bath and Body Works and a giftcard for P to Best Buy. My boss also gave me a $10 giftcard to Target. So tomorrow I get to go shopping and try to feel better by braving the madness at the mall. The Dooney will help quite a bit. (Dad and S, thank you so much for the Christmas gifts!)

I guess that pretty much sums up my life at the moment. Here's the Sunday Brunch to finish off:

1) What is your favorite Christmas song? "Do They Know It's Christmas Time?" by Live Aid or Band Aid or whatever..."Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)" by U2 runs a close second.
2) Do you send Christmas cards? Yes. Every year and I've done it for almost ten years now.
3) Artificial or real Christmas trees? I own an artificial tree but I prefer real ones. If I didn't have such a fear of the house burning down because of a dried out crusty tree (occupational hazard, you know), maybe I'd actually get a real tree one of these years. But baby steps...let's actually get me to PUT UP the tree again and we'll start there.
4) What is your favorite Christmas d├ęcor? (ie, trees, snowmen, stockings, Santa) I like angels the best.
5) Do you attend any religious services on Christmas? I used to attend Midnight Mass a few years ago, but we haven't been in thre years. Slackers that we are.

And...the second is on laundry!

1) Do you use fabric softener or softener sheets? Both. I like my clothes to smell GOOD.
2) Do you dry clean clothes on a regular basis? Nope. I generally don't even buy clothes that can't be machine washed.
3) Do you do laundry as it piles up or do you wait until you are out of clean clothes? I wait until I'm out of clean clothes. Again, I'm a slacker.
4) Do you use a clean towel every day for your shower or use the same one throughout the week? Uh...guess. I already said I'm a slacker!
5) Who does the laundry in your household? We do our own. Sort of.

I hope everyone has a merry Christmas! Sorry to be such a party pooper.

Thursday, December 23, 2004

Feeling very unimportant

Today was an exceptionally bad day.

I had my follow-up appointment today with my doctor. I knew that it was going to be rough, but I was in no way prepared for how sad seeing pregnant women was going to make me feel. I arrived at my scheduled appointment time right at 10:45 am, but did I get to get in to see my doctor right away? Oh, no...because who cares about me anymore now that I'm not pregnant? THREE pregnant women that came in after me got in to see the doctor before I did, so I got to sit there and watch every one of them waddle in and sit there in the waiting room rubbing their belly and smiling that little secret smile that all pregnant women seem to have. That same little smile that I used to have. And the tears just started to roll. By the time I actually got into my room, it was 11:15 and I had to cool my heels for another fifteen minutes sitting there and remembering how the last time when I was in this office, I was bleeding like a stuck pig and how upset I was.

To add insult to injury, it is now official...I have gained 12.5 lbs from my prepregnancy weight, and only 8 of that is pregnancy weight. The other few pounds is stress/holiday eating. My doctor finally came in and asked how I was doing, and the tears just started to roll and kept rolling for about two hours after my appointment. It was like the miscarriage had just happened the day before. It was awful. My doctor was great and was very sympathetic and nice, but I got a mini-lecture about my eating habits, my lack of working out, and the lack of taking my prenatal vitamins, which I'm sorry to say, I have been totally uninspired to take. I've been uninspired to do anything, really, that reminds me of being pregnant. She is right though...I really need to start preparing my body for my next pregnancy. She checked my uterus and said that it has returned to its previous size, so no surgery, and I'm set to go after I have gotten two periods.

And then, of course, let's just make it worse...when I scheduled my next appointment for my Pap smear, their first availability is January 28...because who gives a flying flip when you're not pregnant? It's just amazing how FAR you slide down the priority totem pole when you're not pregnant anymore. I guess it really doesn't matter...but it made me feel lousy all the same.

It was a very very bad day today. I cried on and all most of the day and I can't seem to stop thinking about the miscarriage, what I would be feeling right now if I were pregnant, how I'd be almost fifteen weeks right now, probably in maternity clothes, and just happy as a clam, celebrating our last Christmas as just us, but instead I'm completely miserable, dreading the holidays, feeling very fat and not able to fit into most of my clothes, and wondering if we are going to have the same luck conceiving so quickly next time.

I just really wish this would get easier. I know that it's a grieving process and that I have to give myself time to heal, but this is much much much harder than I anticipated.And I am dreading Christmas day. I have to go to my inlaws and not only be around all eight of my nieces and nephews who range in ages from 1-12, but I have to be around my SIL who is about nineteen weeks pregnant (I think) and reminded yet again of what I don't have. And rereading article after article on the internet of how common blighted ovum miscarriages are isn't helping...nor is hearing, "Well, God has His own plan for everything..."...nor is hearing, "Oh, it'll get better."

This just sucks, plain and simple.

Sunday, December 19, 2004

The one and only Christmas party

My work Christmas party was last night, and BOY, was it lame!

Somehow someone had the bright idea to combine all of the claims office in the Dallas Metroplex into one party. They did this one other year, and it was just as lame. Somehow someone forgets to remember that everyone in the property office barely knows each other, let alone two other offices that they never see! It was just SO dumb. The food was all right, but it was a cash bar, it seemed like no one from my office won any gifts, and they were doing karaoke all night, which was awful.

The one funny part about last night was that we had gone to Kohl's to get new threads for the party (which I desperately needed since I am officially one size bigger in pants now thanks to the pregnancy weight which I'm having trouble shedding) and we saw this horribly tacky black velvet top with red glitter on it. P saw it first and immediately said, "Watch, someone at the party will be wearing that top," and lo and behold, the WOMAN checking people in at the door was wearing it. It was quite funny. Here's a picture that P snuck of this woman:



One great part to the weekend was that I got a $50 giftcard FROM Dooney and Bourke Friday night. And when I say that, I mean that Dooney and Bourke sent it to me! The only thing I can think of is that they must have sent it to me as a thank you for all the purchases I've made over the last couple of months...and the fact that I registered all three of my Dooney and Bourke items. So, I'm very excited. I've been looking at Dooneys a lot lately online...there are quite a few that I'm considering, but the black hearts style is definitely top on the list.

Last week was very busy with work...but I think I accomplished what I needed to accomplish, and I'm actually in a much better state now than I was a week ago, although, of course, having a bunch of claims paid and closed helps quite a bit. I have a few field inspections tomorrow, and I have full expectations that I'm going to get a fire in the morning.

I'm going to do a little meme catching up today...I can't believe I've just ran out of time to do them altogether. *sigh* Today I get to spend the day writing Christmas cards, doing a bit of shopping, and cleaning my house.

Here's my Sunday Brunch from last week:

1) What is your favorite color? I love just about any shade of blue.
2) What colors are your cars? My Honda is charcoal, my Explorer is black, and my Malibu is forest green.
3) What color are your eyes? Green.
4) What color do you like to wear most often? Black.
5) Name your favorite possession of each color of the rainbow: (red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, purple) My Volcano red nail polish, my orange claims notebook, my yellow princess socks, my emerald ring, my sapphire ring, my lapis ring (indigo), and my periwinkle Dooney.

And from this week, I have two!

1) What is a Christmas tradition that your family did when you were a child that you loved the most? We always got our tree together as a family and decorated it as a family. It was great.
2) What is a Christmas tradition that you plan to instill in your own family or already have instilled from when you were a child? I would like to make it a habit of all of us sitting down to a great Christmas dinner in the early evening, going to Mass as a family, and then coming home to watch a Christmas movie...all as a family.
3) What is a new Christmas tradition that you have instilled in your family that is new to both you and your significant other? We don't have any...yet.
4) Do you make any traditional holiday dishes? My apple pie is requested EVERY year.
5) Does your family open Christmas gifts Christmas morning, when the clock strikes twelve, or one gift the night before and the rest the next morning? Philip and I are slackers...we open our gifts pretty much when we get them in the mail. But when we have kids, we'd like to do the tradition of one the night before, and the rest in the morning.

1) Can you play a musical instrument? If so, which one(s)? Piano and clarinet.
2) If you could be part of any band or musical group on the planet, which one would it be and who would you be and why? I always wanted to be part of the Bangles, and I always wanted to be Susannah Hoffs.
3) What is your favorite genre of music? Pop.
4) What is your least favorite genre of music? Rap.
5) What was the last song you heard or what are you listening to right now? I'm watching Cheaper by the Dozen, and the last song that I heard was "Life is a Highway" as the family moved to the city.

P just came in and asked why I wasn't writing cards (I have EIGHTY of them to write) so I better close this up and get to it!

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

What would it take for you to throw someone out of your home?

That's the question I've been asking myself ALL NIGHT. Why, you ask?

Because one of my customers for the first time since I've been an adjuster actually threw me out of his home. I've been working in the field for almost four years, and I was told to get the h-e-double-toothpicks out of his house. I was in such disbelief for the first hour after it happened, I told the guy at Subway that it happened, and his response: "Well, I guess he didn't like the way you adjusted his claim." (He knew what I did because I had my company's jacket on.)

That's an understatement. I wasn't pleased with my insurance adjuster when he denied our foundation claim a few years ago to the tune of $8,500 that we had to pay OUT of our pocket to keep our house from breaking in two, but I never dreamed in a million years of throwing him out of our home. I knew he was doing his job. Just like I was doing today.

It's a mystery. And it's a shock to me and a blow to my ego. I am the highest ranked adjuster in our office for customer service, and then I get thrown out of someone's home? Because I won't give him a blank check? WHY WHY WHY? I wanted to ask this guy how he would feel if someone spoke to his DAUGHTER the way he spoke to me. Maybe I'll get the chance if he calls to grovel, which isn't likely.

Anyway. Work is keeping me super busy, which I have to say is kind of a relief because it really keeps me from dwelling, which I haven't really been doing much of, to be honest. I'm sad, but nothing like I was last week at all. It's kind of just matter-of-fact now. It happened, I'm fine, and being pregnant the next time will never be as idyllic and special as it was the first time, but the point is that I WILL get pregnant again. I did get all three of my structure estimates done this weekend, which was SUCH a relief, and the pressure of work is starting to lift, which is nice. And the two glasses of wine I had when I got home sure did take the edge off how hurt I was about being thrown out of a home.

I got an email about an hour ago from one of the supervisors at work asking for volunteers to do pager duty the week of Christmas, and even though I know I'm going to regret it, I volunteered. I'm going to be working like a mad dog next week anyway, and it's worth $100, so why not? It'll put me well on my way to my next Dooney!

So, that's about the most exciting thing going on in my life at the moment. Drama!

Saturday, December 11, 2004

Insomnia?!

Despite my desire to want to be asleep, I couldn't be for some reason...not sure why. I fell asleep last night around 12:30 on the couch watching tv, went into our room around 3 am, and woke up at 5 am WIDE awake. I can't explain it. So I spent a few hours catching on blog reading and starting this entry. I finally fell back asleep around 8.

Most of what had me awake this early is work, I have to admit. So those of you that are really worried about me crying into my pillow in the wee morning hours, you can stop worrying. All I can think about is the three FULL house estimates that I have waiting for me this weekend, and they MUST be done by the end of the night Sunday night. I got another fire yesterday and from what I hear, it's going to be very involved. As much as I hate to do it, I've got to invest the time and just get on top of this stuff NOW. before it gets any worse than it already is, not to mention that it is so much easier to write my estimates when it's quiet and the phone is not constantly ringing. But considering that I have only two things scheduled for this weekend (appointment with therapist today at 3:15 and a holiday lunch tomorrow at 11:30), I should have plenty of time to get work done and caught up.

I have other things on my mind too...the miscarriage, of course, is weighing heavily on my mind. I don't really know what to say about it...I'm not really sure how I feel about it at all right now. I know it's normal to be going through this gamut of emotions, but it's very hard. P and I tried to talk about it last night, but it's very hard to verbalize, even though we're both at the same stage in the grieving process. I talked to my mother for a while this morning, and she was very supportive, although she admitted that she didn't know what to say. She did tell me that my grandmother (her mother) had two miscarriages, not that it was any comfort, but it was something that I didn't know before. Anyway, P went over to his parents' house today to set up the Christmas tree and decorate it with the kids. I just couldn't go. Today, all I wanted was to just stay home and be by myself.


The other thing that is on my mind is the holidays. I can't believe it's December 11, and there's only 14 days left until Christmas. I have a lot to do in the meantime...I really need to get my cards written and in the mail, I haven't done a lick of shopping, and I had great elaborate plans to bake a bunch of cookies, but now I don't feel like doing any of it for some reason. I just kind of wish that I could fast forward to January 2 and get this whole holiday thing over with!

The one good thing about yesterday is that I DID pass my test. I have utterly NO idea how I passed it. I had gotten a study package in the mail a few months ago when I registered with a textbook, workbook and flashcards, and all I did was review the flashcards. And this test was HARD! I was just lost! A lot of the questions were about health insurance and auto insurance, and the few property questions that were on the test were about out of state policies that I was not familiar with. But I guess I knew enough, because when the test was over, it said I passed. So, now I'm going to register for the next round, and supposedly when I pass it, I get some kind of designation and a $200 bonus at work, which is nice.

Supposedly I'm getting another $200 bonus at work in a few weeks...they give everyone in the office one if they take a certain number of continuing education hours per year. P, in an effort to cheer me up, told me last night that I could use it on whatever I want...purely on myself. And call me crazy, but I'm contemplating buying that black hearts Dooney that I want and the matching wallet. I was racking my brain for something that I could buy for myself that I would really like. My first thought was to buy those drawer pulls for the dresser that I bought from Sharon, but P was like, "That's for the baby, not for you!" He suggested that I get the black Dooney that I want, and I might. I feel awfully indulgent just buying purses, but I guess I'm in a purse phase. I don't need any nail polish, I don't need any makeup, and I don't see any point in buying clothes right now when I have gained some weight from the pregnancy and won't be able to wear them, and optimistically, I want to be pregnant again soon. So, that just leaves a new purse...again. Not that I have a problem with that...I LOVE purses, especially Dooneys. But I'll wait until after the holidays...maybe they'll be on sale. I can always hope.

I guess that's about it for today. I wish I had more to share, but I really don't. My dogs are walked, my oldest cat is snuggled up with me keeping me company as she always does, and I'm just enjoying being by myself.

Hope everyone has a great weekend.

Friday, December 10, 2004

The definition of depression

When you wake up and realize you'd rather be asleep than awake so you don't have to think about what is making you so sad.

Overall, I'm doing fine, I guess, all things considered. Yesterday was a very rough day at work. I was in tears on the way to the office, which was not a good sign, and then when I arrived, I realized that the ONE vendor I had not instructed to please not send flowers had sent flowers...a big embarrassing beautiful arrangement of lilies and carnations with evergreen. It was gorgeous, and I so appreciated the sentiment, but it was a HUGE flag to my entire office that something had happened, and everyone knew when I arrived. I got the "Oh, poor you" looks and the embarrassing "I don't know what to say" stares for about an hour until I left to go to my appointment. Then I couldn't navigate for anything. I must have taken a million wrong turns and missed so many exits. I was fine once we got to where we were going, but then one of my customers accused me of "being out of town" on Monday and not being there for her (this was AFTER I had told her what happened!), and I just went ballistic. It was not pretty at ALL. I've never yelled at a policyholder before. It was fine and we discussed it and worked it out, but it's not good to feel this edgy.

I guess I really should have taken a few days more off work, but it would have been mutiny at my office. As it is, all the adjusters are complaining about having to keep so many small fires. I'm working as best as I can to get stuff done, and Queenie is being an absolute angel for doing a lot of the small stuff that she can to clear my to do list, but it's just hard and I just want to go back to sleep. Plus, I have this insurance exam today for continuing education and I'm not prepared. It's on personal insurance, so I probably have a pretty good shot at winging it, but I'm anticipating that I might fail. It's an 88-question exam, all multiple choice, and my boss said that she remembered it being pretty easy.

I talked to a girl at my office last night on the phone for about two hours that has had three miscarriages, and what she had to say both alternately depressed me and comforted me. I just don't feel like this pain is ever going to go away, and I'm dreading the holidays.

I did make an appointment with my therapist for tomorrow. After hearing my message on the phone, she squeezed me in on an emergency basis. I have no idea what she'll say to make me feel better, but I hope something does.

Anyway, sorry this is such a maudlin entry. I just want to get through today.

Wednesday, December 08, 2004

Closure

Closure is a good thing, I've realized.

Very late last night, the miscarriage completed. There was no mistaking it. I didn't want to gross anyone out, so I posted the details here in my fertility diary. Read at your own risk! I called my doctor's office to fill them in, and they confirmed it too based on my description and said that they were very glad I did it on my own.

I am very relieved though for the closure. I went to bed last night with a clear head, and woke up with a sense of closure. Sadness, but closure. It was tough to tell people at work today, and I know it's not over yet. Tomorrow morning I have to go to my claims office, and it's going to be very tough to face people and fight back tears. But I'm strong! I can do it.

This is what P bought me as a "please stop crying" bribe yesterday:



I still really want that black hearts barrel satchel that I mentioned a few months back, but apparently Dooney and Bourke is discontinuing the bubble gum pink, periwinkle, raspberry and grape colors of their IT line, and all their IT bags in those colors were 30% off yesterday at Dillard's. That's the only reason I gave in! And pink was my second choice when I bought my first Dooney...

Anyway, I'm doing okay. Not great, not bad, just okay. I only cried once today and it was because of work. I had some cramping, but it was mild, and my doctor said I can start back on ibuprofen tomorrow.

I do think though that I'm going to boycott my company's Christmas party. I don't really want to go, and neither does P, so we're thinking about just spending that night at home or going out for a quiet dinner together.

Thanks again for all the thoughts and prayers!

Tuesday, December 07, 2004

The day after

There's really not a whole lot to say. I do thank everyone for the kind words and wishes.

Physically, it's like I was never pregnant. My belly is back to flat (albeit, a tad soft since I gained some weight during the pregnancy), my boobs are back to their pitiful B size again, the bleeding has stopped except for a tiny bit (kind of like the last day of a period), and the cramps are over. I took a second Vicodin before bed last night to ensure I was able to sleep, but since the pain is over, I'm done with it...it's going in the medicine cabinet with my stash of Vicodin for emergencies, which really are TRUE emergencies since I detest the stuff.

Emotionally, I'm very sad. The shock set in late last night as I was lying in bed. My routine before I went to bed every night was to read my entry for each day of the pregnancy diary and then read a little bit of one of my books, and it was just kind of sad going to bed without doing either one of those. I slept pretty great, which is not a surprise considering I only got about four hours of sleep the night before and probably was borderline anemic due to the amount of blood I lost yesterday, but when I woke up this morning, my first thought was that I wasn't pregnant anymore. I feel so...empty. I don't really know how quite to explain it. I guess I was much more attached to the little ball growing inside me than I had thought. There was something so comforting knowing that my unborn child was growing inside me...and now there's not. Just like that. Just like that, I'm back to eating just for me, and me alone. It just feels very lonely. And it's so hard to accept that just two days ago, I was all ready and prepared to be a mother in like, six months, and now, it's a year away...at least. And that's IF we get pregnant right away again. It's just very sad. Even though the fetus wasn't developed, there was something there telling my body to grow the placenta and sac, and now that something is gone.

My mother sent flowers first thing this morning. I appreciate the sentiment, but I really really wish she hadn't done that, because now there's a constant reminder of the miscarriage sitting on my mantle. Oh, well. I get to chuck them in a few days.

Anyway, that's my sad status. I'm really glad I took today off work. The only thing I can envision making me feel better right now is to be pregnant again. P is staying home too, and we have plans today to go out to lunch and then go rent some movies and just hang out at home, relaxing, but it's going to be a tough day. I was thinking that I might try to work or something on estimates, but now I'm thinking I won't...I just don't have the desire to at all. For the first time in a long time, I can truthfully say that I don't give a flying flip about work AT ALL. My friend C said that after she had her miscarriage, she took a full week off work. I can't imagine doing that...two days is enough. After today, I'll be ready to get life back to normal.

Thanks for reading.

Monday, December 06, 2004

More on the miscarriage...

I can now post a little more coherently about what happened.

Apparently what happened was that everything stopped developing at seven weeks...the placenta was there, the sac was there, but there was no fetus. It just fertilized, implanted and then didn't grow. And it took my body a few weeks to realize what was going on.

Right now the biggest focus is completing the miscarriage. I'm bleeding very heavily, and my doctor is very concerned that I won't be able to complete the miscarriage on my own. The thought of my doctor scraping my uterus out really isn't an attractive one, so I opted for drugs. She gave me something to help progress the miscarriage along and expel the rest of the clots and tissues...if that doesn't work, I'll have to have a d&c. And Vicodin for the pain since I can't take Advil.

Then, I have to wait two months before trying to get pregnant again. Once I feel up to it, I'm getting right back to the gym and right back on my diet that I was on pre-pregnancy. I'd like to take off the ten pounds that I put on during the last two months for sure, so I am totally ready again for when I get pregnant.

I'm really handling this okay for now, but I'm sure the shock hasn't quite set in yet. My husband told me I'm such a trooper. I'm sure it'll take some time, but I'll get through it. It was just God's way of taking care of business.

Thanks again for all the thoughts and prayers. It means a lot to me.

A sad day

I just wanted to post a quick message that I miscarried early this morning around 3 am. Well, at least, it's in progress. I'm off to my doctor's office right now to find out what else needs to be done.

To say that I'm sad is an understatement. I will be back when I can to post more details.

Thanks in advance for all your good wishes, sweet thoughts and prayers.

Sunday, December 05, 2004

Still alive...

...and still kicking. Barely.

I'm still insanely busy with work...in fact, I stopped at CompUSA last night and bought a 50' DSL cord so I don't have to sit in my office all day and night when I'm in a busy time like I am now. I'm sitting comfortably on my bed right now with one of my cats snuggled up with me watching Romancing the Stone while I work. Much nicer. I don't relish the fact that I plan to work all day today...and I don't like it...but I don't see any way around it. The work must be done, and if I don't start getting it done, this month is going to be misery. No Christmas cards. No baking. Little to no shopping. I've got to pick it up and start getting organized!

I did a little shopping for some other things yesterday...no Christmas stuff yet, although that's coming. I found a neat baby consignment store in Plano yesterday called Once Upon a Child. Very cool. I bought a Winnie the Pooh onesie for $3.50 and a camouflage onesie for $1.50. The camouflage onesie is kind of a joke...P keeps saying that even if we have a girl, he's still taking her hunting. I also stopped at my local needlework store that is closing and bought about five leaflets for half price and a quarter yard of teal Jobelan. Then I drove up to visit my friend C in Corinth. After I came home, I had very good intentions of working, but it was lights out at about 11:30.

Just one meme today...I don't have energy for more. My Sunday Brunch!

1) Which stone is your birthstone? Do you like it? Emerald and yes. I have a pair of emerald earrings and an emerald ring.
2) Do you prefer silver or gold? I like both, but if I had to choose, I prefer silver or white gold.
3) Name the jewelry that you wear whenever you leave the house. My wedding band, engagement ring, a ring for my right hand (I have four to choose from, either emerald, sapphire, pink mussel and lapis), watch, and a pair of earrings.
4) What is your most precious and valuable item of jewelry? My solitaire engagement ring.
5) Do you carry insurance on any of your jewelry and if not, why not? I have seperate insurance on my engagement ring, but everything else that I own is under $500, and that's the requirement to schedule any article of jewelry on my policy...it must be valued over $500.

Off to work...thanks for reading along as always.

Wednesday, December 01, 2004

Only three days and I reached the end of my rope!

To be honest, I was a little surprised. I thought I'd last at least a week before I broke down in tears because of work. It sure didn't take long. I don't even know what happened...if it was getting yelled at for the umpteenth time by one of C's people, the fact that it was 4 pm and I hadn't showered yet, or having to turn down one of the supervisors at work for a fire just because I couldn't do it, but finally around 5 pm, the tears started to roll. The icing on the cake was when I realized that one of the estimates that C was working on before she left was not quite as done as she led me to believe. Not even close.

So I cried for an hour on and off. I had to call her twice for other things, and finally just let it loose, and she knew without a doubt how upset I am. I hated to tell her, but she has to know that she has created this situation for me! And one things I have learned...it's probably not a good idea for us to partner up on fires anymore. She can have her fires, and I'll have mine. Period.

Anyway, the best thing about today is that I now own my first piece of baby furniture. Sharon sold me her maple dresser! Thank YOU, Sharon!



I am so stoked. We are going to strip it, paint it white (or whitewash it if we can figure out how) and put these handles on it. P wants to check out Home Depot, but I have my heart set on those seahorses and fish pulls.

Not much else to report, I guess. I was thinking about stitching, but now I think I'm just going to go crawl in bed early and catch some shut-eye. I'm very tired, and I have a long day tomorrow filled with super-fun meetings and other nefarious tasks. I don't know what nefarious means, but I like the sound of it. One thing for sure...I want to put this day behind me. My eyes are very puffy from crying so much. I just want to get through this!