Thursday, December 23, 2004

Feeling very unimportant

Today was an exceptionally bad day.

I had my follow-up appointment today with my doctor. I knew that it was going to be rough, but I was in no way prepared for how sad seeing pregnant women was going to make me feel. I arrived at my scheduled appointment time right at 10:45 am, but did I get to get in to see my doctor right away? Oh, no...because who cares about me anymore now that I'm not pregnant? THREE pregnant women that came in after me got in to see the doctor before I did, so I got to sit there and watch every one of them waddle in and sit there in the waiting room rubbing their belly and smiling that little secret smile that all pregnant women seem to have. That same little smile that I used to have. And the tears just started to roll. By the time I actually got into my room, it was 11:15 and I had to cool my heels for another fifteen minutes sitting there and remembering how the last time when I was in this office, I was bleeding like a stuck pig and how upset I was.

To add insult to injury, it is now official...I have gained 12.5 lbs from my prepregnancy weight, and only 8 of that is pregnancy weight. The other few pounds is stress/holiday eating. My doctor finally came in and asked how I was doing, and the tears just started to roll and kept rolling for about two hours after my appointment. It was like the miscarriage had just happened the day before. It was awful. My doctor was great and was very sympathetic and nice, but I got a mini-lecture about my eating habits, my lack of working out, and the lack of taking my prenatal vitamins, which I'm sorry to say, I have been totally uninspired to take. I've been uninspired to do anything, really, that reminds me of being pregnant. She is right though...I really need to start preparing my body for my next pregnancy. She checked my uterus and said that it has returned to its previous size, so no surgery, and I'm set to go after I have gotten two periods.

And then, of course, let's just make it worse...when I scheduled my next appointment for my Pap smear, their first availability is January 28...because who gives a flying flip when you're not pregnant? It's just amazing how FAR you slide down the priority totem pole when you're not pregnant anymore. I guess it really doesn't matter...but it made me feel lousy all the same.

It was a very very bad day today. I cried on and all most of the day and I can't seem to stop thinking about the miscarriage, what I would be feeling right now if I were pregnant, how I'd be almost fifteen weeks right now, probably in maternity clothes, and just happy as a clam, celebrating our last Christmas as just us, but instead I'm completely miserable, dreading the holidays, feeling very fat and not able to fit into most of my clothes, and wondering if we are going to have the same luck conceiving so quickly next time.

I just really wish this would get easier. I know that it's a grieving process and that I have to give myself time to heal, but this is much much much harder than I anticipated.And I am dreading Christmas day. I have to go to my inlaws and not only be around all eight of my nieces and nephews who range in ages from 1-12, but I have to be around my SIL who is about nineteen weeks pregnant (I think) and reminded yet again of what I don't have. And rereading article after article on the internet of how common blighted ovum miscarriages are isn't helping...nor is hearing, "Well, God has His own plan for everything..."...nor is hearing, "Oh, it'll get better."

This just sucks, plain and simple.

16 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh {{{Erica}}} I'm so very sorry that you're feeling so bad. I do know what some of the feelings you're experiencing are like as I'm going (gone) through infertility -- where it seems that everyone is pregnant except you. I'm feeling pretty positive that you will conceive again quickly, and everything will be absolutely fine. - Hugs, Jennie (jnynz)

2:40 AM  
Blogger Mia said...

(((((ERICA))))) I wish I could give you a real hug. I feel so bad about what you experienced today. You are right, it sucks. Just take it a moment at a time.

4:51 AM  
Blogger KarenV said...

{{{{Erica}}}}

5:31 AM  
Blogger Kiwi Jo said...

I'm so sorry Erica. I wish I could take your pain away (((Hugs)))

5:36 AM  
Blogger Sharon said...

(((((Erica)))))

I'm thinking of you, and I'm so sorry you had such a horrible experience at the doctor's office. It isn't right, but I agree that it seems to be the way it is. Not that the realization makes you feel any better. I'm so sorry.

5:40 AM  
Blogger Belinda said...

{{{{Erica}}}}

8:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Erica, I found your blog by searching on miscarriage, because I am going through the same thing. I miscarried at 20 weeks last month, and I could have written your post. When I went into the office for my follow-up, there were three women there to have ultrasounds and they were all chatting joyously about whether they were having a boy or a girl. I lost it. I also think your doctor was being very insensitive to lecture you right now. This isn't a time for dieting. And I know how you feel about not caring about taking care of yourself. I've gained 13 pounds in just over a month, but I refuse to beat myself up over it. This isn't easy at all, and I wish more people would be sensitive to that fact.

I also conceived quickly the first time. And I wonder the same thing - Will I be so lucky next year? But it's best not to worry about that now. Take some time to let yourself heal. You still have a lot of time. Wait until you are motivated to take care of yourself before TTC again. I think that's when we will know we are ready again. Personally, I know that getting pregnant again quickly isn't going to take away the pain - it is only going to make for a difficult pregnancy. You may feel differently and that's fine. I just wanted to share that.

Good luck and God bless. Try not to worry so much about what other people say. My grandmother who lost 4 children due to miscarriage, in infancy or early childhood. She told me that it does get better, and I believe her. I don't believe anyone else, but I do believe her.

8:02 AM  
Blogger Terri said...

Nothing I can say will make you feel any different, but I'm here if you need to vent, cry or I can find something to put a smile on your face. {{{{{Erica}}}}}

8:07 AM  
Blogger Rachel said...

Oh sweetie, it does suck. Plain and simple. And nothing other then time will make it suck anyless (which I am also sure you are sick of hearing). Just know we love and care about you, and we're here to offer hugs and listen to whatever bitching you feel like doing. Do what you need, use the help you have here. And take care of yourself.

8:21 AM  
Blogger Valerie (grvlgal) said...

I can't begin to understand what your pain must be like and there is nothing in this world that I can say to make it better. Just wanted to let you know that you are in my thoughts and give you {{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}

10:32 AM  
Blogger kg said...

Oh E, I'm so sorry. Rachel's right - nothing but time can heal, and even then it will always be something to remember.

Just you remember that you _are_ important, that you do matter. Treat yourself to a spa treatment or something else that will make you feel good, and don't fret about the pounds; everyone puts on a couple during the holidays. Get back to working out and you'll lose them in no time. You came so far, I know you can do this!

((hugs))

-Kristen
aka lady_k28

11:33 AM  
Blogger Karoline said...

{{{{Erica}}}}

2:46 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

{{Erica}}} - Kari

5:47 PM  
Blogger Christine said...

(((Erica))) I'm so sorry you're hurting. I'm sending lots of hugs your way.

8:45 PM  
Blogger Margaret said...

NO comments, just {{{{{HUGS}}}}}

9:43 AM  
Blogger Erica said...

Thanks for all the hugs, and to the woman who found my blog by searching for miscarriage, I am so sorry for your loss as well. My heart goes out to you...I can't imagine how sad you must feel.

I'm doing better, I suppose...I will post a long blog entry before the weekend is over.

Merry Christmas to everyone!

12:46 AM  

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