Tuesday, December 07, 2004

The day after

There's really not a whole lot to say. I do thank everyone for the kind words and wishes.

Physically, it's like I was never pregnant. My belly is back to flat (albeit, a tad soft since I gained some weight during the pregnancy), my boobs are back to their pitiful B size again, the bleeding has stopped except for a tiny bit (kind of like the last day of a period), and the cramps are over. I took a second Vicodin before bed last night to ensure I was able to sleep, but since the pain is over, I'm done with it...it's going in the medicine cabinet with my stash of Vicodin for emergencies, which really are TRUE emergencies since I detest the stuff.

Emotionally, I'm very sad. The shock set in late last night as I was lying in bed. My routine before I went to bed every night was to read my entry for each day of the pregnancy diary and then read a little bit of one of my books, and it was just kind of sad going to bed without doing either one of those. I slept pretty great, which is not a surprise considering I only got about four hours of sleep the night before and probably was borderline anemic due to the amount of blood I lost yesterday, but when I woke up this morning, my first thought was that I wasn't pregnant anymore. I feel so...empty. I don't really know how quite to explain it. I guess I was much more attached to the little ball growing inside me than I had thought. There was something so comforting knowing that my unborn child was growing inside me...and now there's not. Just like that. Just like that, I'm back to eating just for me, and me alone. It just feels very lonely. And it's so hard to accept that just two days ago, I was all ready and prepared to be a mother in like, six months, and now, it's a year away...at least. And that's IF we get pregnant right away again. It's just very sad. Even though the fetus wasn't developed, there was something there telling my body to grow the placenta and sac, and now that something is gone.

My mother sent flowers first thing this morning. I appreciate the sentiment, but I really really wish she hadn't done that, because now there's a constant reminder of the miscarriage sitting on my mantle. Oh, well. I get to chuck them in a few days.

Anyway, that's my sad status. I'm really glad I took today off work. The only thing I can envision making me feel better right now is to be pregnant again. P is staying home too, and we have plans today to go out to lunch and then go rent some movies and just hang out at home, relaxing, but it's going to be a tough day. I was thinking that I might try to work or something on estimates, but now I'm thinking I won't...I just don't have the desire to at all. For the first time in a long time, I can truthfully say that I don't give a flying flip about work AT ALL. My friend C said that after she had her miscarriage, she took a full week off work. I can't imagine doing that...two days is enough. After today, I'll be ready to get life back to normal.

Thanks for reading.


Blogger kg said...

Take all the time you need. You've lost something important, and it may take longer to heal emotionally than you think... just don't push yourself, 'kay?


9:41 AM  
Blogger Christine said...

(((Erica))) I can't say I know how you feel, but the emotions you wrote about sound 100% normal to me. Definitely take some time for yourself. I'm glad you're taking some time off work. I'm still sending lots of good thoughts your way!

10:04 AM  
Blogger Mia said...

Erica, I wish there was something I could do for you to make you feel better. I have been thinking about you since I read about the baby. What you wrote about how you feel is so normal. You need to take as much time as YOU need. Please know that you remain in my thoughts and prayers. (((((ERICA)))))

11:16 AM  
Blogger WhizGidget said...

I just caught up with your blog... I'm so sorry.

{{{{{hug}}}}} Take the time you need to grieve - it's important that you do. {{hug}}

8:21 PM  
Blogger Annette said...


7:34 AM  
Blogger musafir said...

Good morning. I visited your blog because I found that last night you (or some one from your blog) accessed mine.

One of my daughters suffered two miscarriages and I understand how you felt. You are young and I hope that
you'll have a successful pregnancy. My daughter went on to give birth to three healthy daughters. In her case,
it was a problem of of the blood being too thick to provide nourishment to the fetus. Once it was diagnosed,
half an aspirin a day was all that was needed during
subsequent pregnancies.

Hang in there and get the Dooney.
All the best.

8:21 AM  

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