Wednesday, September 29, 2004

A big decision!

A lot of my close friends and family already know about my decision...I wanted to have the chance to talk to my parents about it and also for P to tell his family first before I shared it in my blog.

P and I are now officially trying to get pregnant!

We had thought that we would start trying in the spring, but now in light of my mother in law's health situation and the obvious fact that not much is going to change for us financially, physically or otherwise, in six months (other than I will be six months older and have six eggs less!), we have decided to advance that just a tad and start trying now. I went off the Pill about two months ago in anticipation of this. And who knows? It could take us a while to get pregnant.

Or it might not take any time at all! Isn't it amazing how things change in the blink of an eye?

I know most people don't say anything to anyone until they are definitely pregnant, but I've just never been one to keep secrets...and I want to share my happy decision! Besides, what good is a blog if I can't talk about this, right?

P went to his parents' house tonight (I stayed home to work) and said that E seems to be doing better. She was in a good mood and was upbeat and was able to eat some potato today. They are going to do an endoscopy tomorrow and try to figure out what is the problem and why she can't eat. P said though that when he told her about our decision, it was the first time anyone had seen her smile in days. Out of her five children, we're the only ones that are childless. My brother-in-law R and sister-in-law M are also trying to get would be their third...and told her as well tonight, so if it lifted her spirits, that makes me happy. Thank you all so much for the positive comments you left...I sure do appreciate it! It means a lot. She told my husband tonight that the best thing that we can all do for her is to stay positive, upbeat and not dwell in what might happen, as it makes her sad to see us all so sad. She's a strong fighter and a brave soul...we just have to pray that her body responds and that God will take care of her.

I've had a few weeks to get used to the idea now of becoming a parent...which surprisingly doesn't scare me near as much as the changes that are going to occur in my body! We've always wanted kids, but hadn't really felt the urge to procreate and have any of our own until the last few months...and I'm starting to be painfully aware that I'm getting older and the longer I wait, the harder it will be to get pregnant. I don't want to be suffering with fertility treatments in five years because I was selfish about wanting my time to myself for my career and missed my window. We want a family. I want grandchildren! And when things like what is going on with my mother-in-law happen, it makes you really start thinking about how short life is and what the important things really are in life. I have the rest of my life to stitch, pay off our debt, remodel our house and diet. I don't have the rest of my life to start a family. And from what I've heard from everyone I know that is a parent, including my own mother and father, it is one of the most rewarding wonderful things that you can ever do. Yes, things will be tight. Both of my parents have told me seperately that things were really stretched thin when I was a baby, but that they made it work and wouldn't have had it any other way. There are people out there that raise families on salaries much less than mine.

I know it can be done! And will I ever really be ready? I don't know. But this is a GOOD time to find out. I'm healthy. I lost the weight that I needed to. I'm in excellent cardiovascular shape for labor and have already established healthy eating habits and exercise habits that I can carry on through my pregnancy. I work at home and have a job that is very flexible, that I'm good at, and that I make a good living at. Philip is going to be laid off sometime next summer, which by the way is PERFECT for our plans to turn him into Mr. Mom by day, college student by night. One car is paid off, the other is close. Our dogs are grown up and trained. I'm 29, P is 34. We've been married for five years.

The time is right! This, of course, means no diet. I'm going to continue to eat very healthy and limit the junk, but from everything I've read in my research on pre-pregnancy health and dos and don't during pregnancy, the time when you are carrying a child is NOT an appropriate time to be dieting, and since most people don't know they are pregnant for at least a few weeks, I'm not going to stress about it. There's plenty of time to lean down later. I'm also going to continue to work out like I am now, but probably when I actually DO conceive, I will drop the weights to lighter weights and increase my cardio. I'd like to have a natural childbirth if possible and I'll need to be in great shape for it.

So. That's my big news! Due to the number of mothers that read my blog, I'm sure I'm going to get a lot of virtual high-fives, and I thank you in advance! I'm going to really rely a lot on others' advice in the future, I know. I'm already moving in the right direction. I discovered that my multi-vitamin that I've been taking for over a year has 100% of my folic acid necessities, and I already found a new OB/GYN that I want to start seeing. My regular gynecologist is great and I like him a lot, but his office and hospital where he has privileges is forty minutes away from my house. I don't think I want to be driving forty minutes downtown to every check-up, not to mention when my water breaks! No thanks. I'm trying like hell to give up caffeine right now. It's a lot harder than I thought it would be...I really love my iced tea and my diet Coke. *sigh* I'm going to get some decaf tea and diet Coke tomorrow to ease the pain. It's hard for someone to go cold turkey who doesn't like water!

The rest of my day was very uneventful. I went on a claim with C today and watched her do her thing. She's going to be GREAT, I know it!


Wednesday Matinee

1. What's your favorite disaster movie? Armageddon. I love that end of the world stuff.
2. What's your favorite John Travolta movie? I have to pick just one? Hmm. Pulp Fiction!
3. What do you think of celebrity endorsements for political office? I don't. How's that for an answer?

What's On 'your lunch menu' Right Now?

Monday, I ate banana bread for lunch...egg whites, oatmeal, and banana baked into a loaf. Today, I got Chick Filet through the drive-thru...I slept in really late and didn't have time to pack lunch. So a grilled chicken sandwich and fresh fruit it was with a diet lemonade. Tomorrow, I'm meeting S for sushi! Friday...probably a packed lunch since I've heard there is a fire for me in the pipeline in Wichita Falls which is three hours away from Dallas. Fortunately, Queenie is sending another adjuster up there FIRST to make sure it's really big enough to send me up I don't drive three hours for something one of the other adjusters could easily handle. Ah...I love being taken care of!

That's all I've got. Sleeping Beauty is sitting next to me, waiting patiently for me to stitch on her, and Gabrielle is sitting with her just enjoying laying with me. I took her to have her teeth cleaned on Monday, and she's just been a ball of love ever since I brought her home. I guess her teeth must have really been bugging her!

Send me good vibes that I'll get pregnant soon!

Tuesday, September 28, 2004

Some really horrible news

This will be brief, but I will answer my memes.

My mother-in-law had breast cancer a few years ago, had a mastectomy and survived.

However, I'm sure you know that cancer victims are more likely than others to develop it elsewhere?

My mother-in-law, who is one of the sweetest people I have ever met, has now developed brain cancer in the way of tumors in her brain. The prognosis, while up in the air right now, is not good. They are treating her with radiation therapy and chemotherapy, and we should know more in a few weeks. Worst case scenario given was eight weeks.

To say that her family is devastated is a gross understatement. My husband is beside himself and I can hardly look at her without breaking down into tears. She's trying so hard to be strong, but she has an inflammation of her throat right now that is preventing her from swallowing, and thus has not had a whole food meal in a week. And she's afraid to sleep because she's afraid of choking on her own saliva. She looks so fragile and weak.

Anyway, that's what is going on right now in my world. It's really horrible. My plan to start a new BFL challenge yesterday has gone up in smoke. While my food is great, I have yet to make it to the gym yet. I'm just exhausted, I'm going through caffeine withdrawal, and tonight we spent the whole evening at my inlaws' house. We plan to spend the night over there tomorrow night as well.

Please, if you pray, keep my mother-in-law E in your prayers.

Memes for today...

Chick Chat:

1. Bra's: Underwire or Softcup? Underwire.
2. Do you wish your 'girls' were bigger? No. A B cup is perfect for me.
3. Have you ever used cleavage to get your way? Not intentionally! *grin*
4. How many Victoria's Secret bras do you own? Twelve. The
unlined demi bra rocks!
5. Would you get implants if they were free? Yes, but not for the size. I don't like the shape of my breasts and would like implants for the shaping.

Tuesday Twosome:

1. Two things you love about the FALL The leaves changing and Thanksgiving
2. Two things you dislike about the FALL The fact that in Dallas, it's not long enough, and the leaves DON'T change!
3. Two things do you want to accomplish in the FALL I just registered for an INS 22 class which is on personal insurance and I want to pass it. I'm taking it in November. The other thing is a secret...and I'm not telling until I have accomplished it. *evil grin*
4. Do you enjoy the changing of seasons and why? Absolutely...I love the cold air, the changing of the seasons, and the smells that are just so heightened in the fall.
5. Two colors that
exemplify FALL for you Brown and burgundy.

TV Tuesday:

1. It's off to an easy start, what's your favorite channel? FX.
2. What shows are on your favorite channel? Nip Tuck and Rescue Me.
3. Does your favorite channel change often or are you a loyal watcher? Nope, that's pretty much my favorite.
~Bonus~ How much of a creature of habit are you? Do you have a daily or weekly viewing schedule? Is your TV or Cable programmed to switch channels even if you're not there? I am so boring when it comes to tv. I watch Six Feet Under and Entourage on Sundays, Nip Tuck on Tuesdays (it's on in 30 minutes), Survivor and CSI on Thursdays. That's it.

I hope everyone is having a better week than I.

Sunday, September 26, 2004

Where did September go?

My husband asked that question of me tonight when he looked at the calendar and noticed that this is the last week of September. I didn't have an answer for him, until earlier this evening when I was making banana bread (the healthy kind) to eat tomorrow and noticed that my cottage cheese had gone bad. My first thought was, "Hey, I JUST bought this!" until I looked at the expiration date and noticed that it was September 9. So, I ask the question as well...where did September go?

More importantly, where did this summer go?

This is what is plaguing my mind at 1:30 in the morning, and why I am up typing away. I have my plan laid out for my new weight loss challenge, my food is made, and I'm ready to get to it tomorrow and get serious. And I must. I even found my Body For Life book a few minutes ago, sitting over there on my scanner covered with papers and things.

As part of the Body For Life challenge, I went ahead and took new "before" pictures...after P measured me everywhere for later comparison. Which, of course, I know I will need in the coming weeks when the scale is either going up or not moving at all. I've been down this road before...I know very well what to expect. The frustration, the anxiety, the worry, the feelings of spinning my wheels and feeling like I'm getting nowhere. And I knew that it was going to be ugly looking at my pictures in comparison with my pictures from April. And it was. It wasn't quite the horrendous nightmare that I envisioned, but I just don't look the same as I did then. My skin was so smooth and tight it rather resembles cottage cheese on my butt. It's just so frustrating that a few months of living like a normal person and boom, I look like a normal person again. Five months ago, I wanted to look like anything but what I looked like, and now? I'd commit highway robbery to have a tight butt like that again. But I don't want to go through what I had to go through to get it again. My first reaction when I showed my new "before" pictures to P was that they were almost enough to make me go back on my precompetition diet. And of course, he reminded me of how much I had to suffer to get to that point that I did in April. He's right of course...and I don't want to go down that road again. No dairy, red meat, diet soda, sugar, bread, fruit or anything resembling anything with taste. Waking up in the middle of the night starving. Sweating after I ate. Not enjoying eating anything that I put in my mouth. Hating going out to eat or eating in front of anyone except my husband or my competitor friends. It just was a miserable existence for a while.

And I guess those "before" pictures I took today are going to accomplish just what they are supposed to...they are going to inspire me to buckle down, get serious and get this fat off as I know that it can be done. At least, I hope so. I can see it in the mirror. There is still fat to lose. I have had a sufficient break from the crazy body-building world. I don't want to go back to it in that sense, but I do want to concentrate on my transformation again as I am still not quite there yet. I started this journey at 228 lbs on December 16, 2002. As of yesterday morning, I'm at 166.5. If I was happy with the way I looked in the mirror, that'd be enough, but after seeing my pictures from today, I know there is still work to be done. I have to work to undo the damage I did this summer now. I just can't believe it only took a few months, and now my lean, tight stomach with the six-pack is gone, my toned legs and butt are gone, and that chiseled muscle definition that I worked so hard for is hiding under fat. Again. I guess in a lot of ways, I'm starting all over again from square one.

It's just so unfair. I know at some point I have to realize and accept that this will be a problem that I am going to wrestle with for the rest of my life and something I have to work at forever. I don't know why I thought I could just kick back, not go to the gym, eat what I wanted as long as I kept it within reason and as long as the scale stayed constant, not worry about it, but I think that's what my little brain thought. Surprise, surprise, there are other ways to gain weight that you can't see on the's called losing muscle to its own greedy appetite and replacing it with the fat that accumulates from taking in too many bad carbohydrates, saturated fat, and crappy food. It's Body FOR LIFE, not Body For Twelve Weeks or For A Few Years.

And get this...this is SO stupid! My friend S? The one from work that I inspired to change her eating habits and start working out? She started her journey in the mid 170s, and she informed me over sushi Friday that she is now at 154. And what's her secret to weight loss success? She eats protein bars three times a day, grilled chicken/vegetables for dinner, drinks a pot of coffee in the morning and smokes like a chimney, drinks on the weekends, and works out a few times a week. Don't get me wrong, I'm so excited for her that she is losing weight, but I don't understand why when I did it the strictest of strict ways, I hit a plateau that no matter what I did, I couldn't get past. I had to give up on my dream of gracing a stage as a figure competitor because I didn't have what it took to maintain that level of deprivation and discipline. I have more muscle mass than S does, and my bones are much larger, but yet, I'm jealous of her because she weighs less than I do and eventually, if not already, will wear a smaller size than I.

And this is even more stupid. I went to another weight loss board that I frequent, and noticed that there is a woman on there that started her journey some time after I did that has now passed me in terms of pounds lost. Just like that. And I'm jealous of her. Very jealous. Instead of feeling happy for her, I feel sorry for myself. It's so stupid!

I don't know that continuing to work with my therapist is ever going to help me get past these feelings. People can tell me until they are blue in the face that I look fine. My husband can tell me all day long that I have never looked sexier to him. But I will never believe it for myself. I have stopped reading Oxygen. I cut off contact for a while with my figure competitor friends. I put my princess shoes and my suits on a very high shelf in my closet. Going back down that road of obsession is not something that I want to repeat, but yet, here I am, nearly six months after putting it behind me and I'm still thinking about it. Thinking about how much I enjoyed the attention. Thinking about how much I enjoyed that feeling of my clothes nearly falling off.

Thinking about how much I loved feeling thin.

The poem that is quoted by the master chief in G.I. Jane has always been one of my favorites. I had nearly forgotten about it until I heard it last night in the movie. Here it is:

"I never saw a wild thing
sorry for itself.
A small bird will drop frozen dead from a bough
without ever having felt sorry for itself." -D.H. Lawrence

The message in that poem to me...don't feel sorry for yourself, just keep fighting to survive. And I guess that's what I'll keep doing. The alternative, giving in and letting myself become obese again, is a far more bleak alternative. It's the neverending challenge of my life. I just hope I don't become one of those women who keeps gaining and losing the same ten pounds forever.

Anyway. I just had to vent. I find it so amusing when I am told by so many people all the time what an inspiration I am for weight loss, how what I've done is so amazing, when I don't feel like it's amazing at all. And I certainly don't feel like an inspiration. To anyone. Least of all me.

I may not get on tomorrow until pretty late to post, so I'm going to go ahead and answer my meme for today...the Monday Madness. Tomorrow is going to be very busy. I have to take my oldest cat to the vet to have her teeth cleaned, I have a 10:30 appointment scheduled by Queenie for me to look at a roof that I inspected three months ago (and I know my mind won't be changed, but I have to go out there anyway), an appointment at 1 pm to meet with a vendor that I haven't worked with in over a year, and then I'll probably hang out at the office until Gabby is ready to go home. The vet's office is right around the corner from my office, so it doesn't make sense to go all the way home and then come all the way back.

Name THREE of your........
1. Pet Peeves People that call over and over again until they reach me instead of just leaving a message. People who drive on the shoulder of the road in bumper-to-bumper traffic in hopes of getting further ahead. People who think that their way is the right way no matter what and try to push it on you.
2. Favorite Sounds The ocean. Rain falling. A cat's purr.
3. Desk Items My Marvin the Martian mug filled with pencils and pens. My crystal vase filled with silk bluebonnets. My crackle lantern-style lamp that has a pink bulb in it.
4. Biggest Fears Becoming obese again. Being raped. Being attacked by a shark while swimming.
5. Biggest Challenges Realizing that I am a beautiful person on the inside and that it doesn't matter what I look like on the outside. Getting along with my mother. Having the courage to try to have children.
6. Newest 'Toys' My iRiver mp3 player, my newest digital camera from work which is an HP635, and my new footies from Bath and Body Works for lotioning up my feet.
7. Most Used Words Whatever, the f-word (a habit I'm trying to break...just call me Avril!), and late.
8. Most Mispelled Words Fort Worth (I always want to type Forth Worth), receive (I always want to type recieve), and seperate (I always want to type separate).
9. Favorite Disney Characters Cinderella, Peter Pan, and Nemo
10. Bookmarks on Your Homepage You can see the whole list right over there on the right!

Thanks for reading my little "poor me" diatribe. I'll try not to dump on ya too often. *grin*

And this pretty much represents how I feel right now:

Movie Night!

What a nice quiet evening I had last night! It was great! And I feel so much better this morning. I stitched for about five hours (as you can see from the new and updated picture of Enchanted Dreamer), watched a couple of movies, ordered pizza, hung out with my dogs, and just in general was a couch potato. It was very nice and I definitely feel more human today. Here are the movies I watched and what I think of them:

The Human Stain: Very weird. Not at all what I expected with actors of the caliber of Nicole Kidman, Anthony Hopkins, Gary Sinise and Ed Harris. It dragged very slowly and didn't have much of a climactic ending, that's for sure.
G.I. Jane: I've seen this one before and I bought it on DVD, I liked it that much. I think this might possibly be my favorite movie of Demi Moore's...and Viggo Mortenson looks great in it. I LOVE the ending. Anyway, if you haven't seen it, rent's definitely entertaining for a few hours.
Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights: Much better than I expected...I had heard this movie was lacking, but I thought it was good and the dancing scenes really surprised me. Plus, Patrick Swayze made a cameo appearance, which I didn't expect, and that was great...although I should have expected it. It was a great tie-in to the first one. And let me tell you, that man looks great for 52 years old! So, also worth renting, especially if you liked the first one. If you didn't like the original DD, don't bother.
Gia: Weird. Not much else I can say about that one. Angelina Jolie always finds weird roles to play, that's for sure.

And...very late last night...I snapped a secret picture of Taylor and Simon. What makes this picture twice as funny is that out of my five pets, these two hate each other the most. I don't know if it's a "we're both the youngest cat/dog" or what, but they don't like each other that much, so for them to be doing this is amazing!

I made a decision yesterday, and I'm not going to make a big deal out of it, but I'm going to start another Body For Life challenge tomorrow. My gym and eating habits have just been very hit or miss this summer, and I really want to do something about it. Body For Life is what I know works, so I'm going to give it a try and attempt to make myself get to the gym more often, take the time to make my food every day, etcetera. I've done it before, even when I was crazy busy, and I can do it again. So we'll see. I'd just like to drop a few pounds before my trip to Florida. Most of my family there hasn't seen me since I got married, and I'd like to look great when I go. I feel like I look pretty good now, but I'm getting a very soft tummy, and I'd like to get rid of that or at least minimize it! So wish me luck! I just hope I can stick with it. I think the guidelines that I've set for myself are a lot looser and less strict, so I think it should work this time. We'll see.

Memes...first, my very own Sunday Brunch!

1) If you had a wedding, what flowers did you have at your wedding? I had white calla lilies and red roses.
2) What is your favorite flower? Roses.
3) Do you have flowers as part of your landscaping outside or your interior decor? We have purple irises in our front flower bed, but nothing inside other than some silk flowers. I have a small vase with silk bluebonnets on my desk, a basket of yellow and blue flowers in our bathroom, some small vases with burgundy flowers in our hall bathroom, and I think that's about it. I used to have silk sunflowers all over one of my apartments, but silk flowers are dust magnets, so I don't decorate with them often.
4) If you went to your high school prom(s), what kind of flower did you wear in your corsage or boutonniere? White rose my junior year and a red rose my senior year.
5) Do you like to receive flowers as a gift or do you think it is a waste of money? Both. I have received flowers often in the past. One of my old boyfriends, T, used to bring me a red rose on a lot of dates, and it was a sweet gesture and I liked it, but now I just see flowers as a waste. When I worked in an office, I gave P strict flowers on my birthday or anniversary! I'd rather have him take me out for a great dinner!

The Weekly Bit...Dad, cover your eyes!

1. Describe your first kiss. I think I may have covered this before, but my first kiss was when I was was in a movie theater, and I was so surprised that M kissed me that I forgot to kiss him back, hence probably why I never got asked for a second date. It was very sweet though. No gory details, sorry. Although for any Guiding Light fans out there, M looked a lot like Carl T. Evans, the actor that played Alan-Michael Spaulding back in the late 1980s...
2. Who was your first boyfriend/girlfriend? Officially? My first boyfriend was this kid, J, when I was in third grade! We played together at recess, talked on the phone at night, he gave me this little ring with a silver arrow on it for Christmas, and flowers after I was in the chorus for the school play. Talk about hot, even though he never kissed me.
3. When was your heart first broken? Junior year in high school. My boyfriend J (same name as the kid in third grade,if you can believe it!) broke up with me for reasons unknown about two months before the prom. I was devastated. I felt like I would never stop crying.
4. When was the first time you fell in love? Well, I would have said my sophomore year with J...since he really devastated me when we split, but when I look back on it now, I think that was more puppy love and infatuation. The real thing happened the summer before my senior year in high school with T. I really thought that he and I would have gotten married, but that was my first lesson that sometimes it takes more than love to make a relationship work. And it took three break-ups with T to learn that lesson well. And the devastation and sadness I felt after the split with J paled in comparison to the devastation that I felt while learning that lesson and breaking up with T over and over again. It's a good thing that I moved to Texas or the cycle, I'm sure, would have kept repeating itself over and over again. Love was never the problem.
5. What was your first real date like? Even though our parents had to drive us to and from, I consider my first real date to be the date with M when I was fourteen. We went to see the movie Shocker with my best friend S and her date J.

And finally, the Daily Dirt!

1. What's the naughtiest thing you've ever done? Depends on your definition of naughty. If we're talking mischievious, I once toilet papered a friend's house with a group of friends when I was a junior in high school. If we're talking indecent, wicked and immoral, I decline to answer on the grounds that I may incriminate myself or give my father a heart attack. *grin* Just kidding.
2. Have you ever played strip poker? Yes. When I was a senior in high school, I played with a group of friends and we only went down to our underwear.
3. Have you ever been to a strip club (male or female)? Nope (although Philip keeps threatening to take me to embarrass me!)
4. What's your everyday personality like: Naughty or Nice? Nice.
5. What song best describes you in your naughty phase? "Poison" by Alice Cooper. I can be really mean sometimes.

Okay, that's it for now. I'm going to go walk the dogs and get ready to go out and run some errands. I hope everyone has a pleasant Sunday!

Saturday, September 25, 2004

Today is another day!

I do feel better today and not as teary. And I think that nothing will make me feel better than a nice quiet day of uninterrupted stitching to clear my head and help me relax. It never fails. There are so many times when I take a few days off from work and spend them doing nothing but stitching. I'm a firm believer that it is highly therapeutic! Today, I'd really like to get Enchanted Dreamer's time finished up and maybe get out my wedding sampler OR, he he, start Sleeping Beauty. I am such a sucker for new projects. I also have a huge mountain of laundry that I have had piling up for a week. I've done a load here and there over the last two weeks, just enough to keep me going, but it really is something that needs to be done and done NOW. I'd like to make it to the gym, but I feel really tired and draggy, almost like I could be coming down with something, and I hate to push it. So tomorrow. Today, I just want to veg out and be lazy.

P is going to Paris today with some friends to do some "guy" stuff...not sure what that entails and I don't want to know, but he has his rifle and bow in the Explorer, so I'm sure they'll be doing some "pre-hunting" preparations. Whatever. It just means that I have the house to myself for the day and night, and to be honest, I'm very relieved about that. I think some quiet time to myself will be very nice. And that's why my mood for today is "alone". I'm stealing an idea from Sharon's blog to choose a mood for every day in the order of the alphabet...I like that!

I don't really have much to post about right now. I am feeling that little tug to work, so I may allow myself to work for an hour, two tops, and then that's IT for the day. Then, it's me time. We bought a whole bunch of DVDs at Best Buy last week, so I have plenty of stuff to keep me busy, and I might run down to Blockbuster and get some new ones too. It's going to be a peaceful day.

Weekend Wonderings...

1. When someone offends you, do you let them know or let it slide? Depends on how much they annoy me. If it's a minor annoyance and I don't feel it's worth it to bring it up, I'll let it go, but if it's something that really gets under my skin, I'll bring it to the surface. This particularly applies to work, as people annoy me on a daily basis, and for the most part, especially with my customers, I have to let it go. Unfortunately, part of being an insurance adjuster is taking a fair amount of crap from people and saying nothing about it, although one of my favorite lines to use with people is, "You know, it's really not very nice to speak to me that way." Never fails to make the other person feel about an inch tall.
2. Do you think of yourself as shy or outgoing? Definitely outgoing. I can talk your ear off.
3. Do you usually have a pretty free schedule or do you have something planned for every night? I don't usually officially plan stuff, but I always have stuff to do every night. I usually have a good idea in the morning what I'll be doing that night, whether it be working late, going to the gym, grocery shopping, out to dinner with P, stitching, vegging, manicuring, whatever. On the weekends, I'm pretty free as well.

Saturday Special!

1. Does solitude aid or hinder your creative pursuits? Aids. I work much better when I am alone and no one is bothering me. And I have to be very creative sometimes in my job.
2. What relative do you most resemble in personality? As much as I hate to admit it, I'm most like my mother.
3. List the 3 best things about being you. I love it that I am content staying home. I really house is my favorite place to be, despite spending so much time here. I love it that I am a good stitcher...stitching is my favorite activity. And I consider myself to be highly intelligent, which is great!
4. First thing I thought when I opened my eyes this morning was ____. When I first woke up this morning, I remembered a dream that I had last night...I dreamed that I decided I wanted another tattoo of interlocking dolphins on my right hip and that we had gone to a tattoo place (other than the place where I got my last one) and the guy had told me that I was really beautiful and that he would draw a tattoo on me anytime! Weird dream!

5. What do you want right now? Right now, I want to be not thinking about work, which is an impossibility. I just have so much to do, and the faxes just keep coming in with more supplements.

The Daily Dirt!

1. What's your favorite song? "Just Like Heaven" by the Cure.
2. What song do you hate the most? I absolutely can NOT stand "Fly Like An Eagle". It doesn't matter who sings it...I hate it.
3. What song do you hear most on the radio? I can't really answer this. I haven't listened to the radio in a while since I got my mp3 player, and I listen to my CD player when I'm driving.
4. What song describes you the most? "It's My Life" thing I really hate is to be told how to live my life.
5. Could you write a song and then sing it? No.

I hope everyone has a super weekend! Check back later this weekend and I should have a picture posted for a WIP update! It seems like it's been a long time since I posted Egyptian Sampler.

Friday, September 24, 2004

Why am I so sad?

I can't quite figure it out, except to think that it must be related to my cycle! Tonight I managed to drag myself to the gym, realized that I clearly had not eaten enough today when I almost threw up on the weight machine, came home, watched the end of Ghost, promptly burst into tears, and then continued the crying jag as I unloaded the dishwasher.

I'm thinking that it has to be hormonal.

Nothing is bothering me...of course, except for the fact that I worked an unbelievable amount of hours this week and am starting to feel like I have absolutely NO life whatsoever. It's not a good feeling. One of the clerical asked me at work what day I preferred for our Christmas party, December 4 or December 17, and my response was that since I had no life, either date would be fine. She thought it was hysterical, but it's SO true. A claims adjuster in December really has no life.

The highlight of my day as sad as this is was S asking me during our sushi lunch if my nails were tips...she said they look absolutely perfect in both color and shape. I love that!

Tomorrow I have to relax and just not think about work for one day if that is even humanly possible! And I will stitch. I think part of this funk may be stemming from not picking up a needle and thread all week.

Friday Feast! (Mine was another late night midnight run to Steak and Shake.)

Appetizer On a scale of 1 to 10 (with 10 being highest), how attractive do you think you are? About a 7.
Soup What local restaurant would you recommend to a visitor to your town or city? Saltgrass....definitely!
Salad What's a lesson you had to learn the hard way? It is better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all.
Main Course Name something in your life that you feel you can depend on 100%. My husband P.
Dessert If you could see the front page of a newspaper from September 24, 2104, what would you imagine the headline might be? Colonization on Mars! That would be SO COOL!

Thursday, September 23, 2004


This journal entry was going to be titled the perfect nail polish, but that was before I lost not one, but TWO blog entries. I was sitting here tonight working on my entry and I wanted to make it a good one since I hadn't written last night and what happens? I lose it. Twice. Grrr!

Anyway. Last night was highly busy. We stopped at Albertson's on the way home last night to "pick up a few things", which of course turned into major grocery shopping, and I found THE perfect nail polish. It is Sally Hansen's Sheer Summer Blossom, and it is perfect. It is a matte baby pink that goes on sheer enough to where you can see the white of my nails. It almost resembles a French manicure. It's very nice, and much easier than using those little sticker guides, that's for sure! It's pretty, delicate, and natural looking. Quite a nice change. Anyway, after I got home, put away the food, ate, and made my nails pretty, it was time to hit the sack.

And today? Definitely not as productive as I had hoped, although it was a great day working with C. She watched me write my fire estimate, and I think she learned a lot. I do think she was intimidated just a bit by the complexity of the estimate, but it's okay...I was too when I learned how to do this last summer.

Tomorrow I hope to have a busy day, get a lot done, and it's Sushi Friday, which means a yummy lunch! Can't wait.

I posted this on the Sunday Brunch site, but guess what? Stacey was ever-so-kind as to make a blinkie for me for Sunday Brunch! Here it is...please right-click, save to your hard drive, and post it on your blog with a link to Sunday Brunch! Thanks!

Three memes, and that's it! I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!

Wednesday Matinee!

1. What's your favorite science fiction movie? The Empire Strikes Back
2. Star Trek vs Star Wars: who wins? Star Wars
3. Who's your favorite sci-fi actor? William Shatner
~Robots Will Rule The Earth Bonus~ Who's your favorite robot (android, cyborg, etc)? Robin Williams' character in Bicentennial Man

Theater Thursday!

1. Do you remember the very first time you watched a movie on the big screen? Describe it. I don't remember it, but it was E.T.
2. What was the last movie you saw on the big screen? Taking Lives
3. Did you ever like a movie so much that you paid to watch it more than once? If so, what movie? I saw Titanic three times in the theater and now I own it on VHS and DVD.
BONUS) How much does a movie ticket cost in your neck of the woods? $7.50 I's been a while.

Thursday Tattle!

What do you drink first thing in the morning? English Breakfast tea with skim milk and Splenda
What do you drink mostly throughout the day? Diet Coke with lime, water, and iced tea
Do you like cold coffee drinks? I haven't had one in a while, but I love mocha frappucinos from Starbucks.
Do you like coffee? Yes, but I don't like the aftertaste so I save it for special occasions when I'm out to dinner and having dessert. It goes great with creme brulee.
Do you like the taste of alcohol? What taste? It doesn't taste like anything! I do like the taste of flavored liquor though, like Bailey's.
What do you drink when you have a drink with liquor in it? My favorite drinks are in this order: margarita on the rocks, strawberry margarita, pina colada, Fuzzy Navel, appletini, chocolate martini, Sex on the Beach and pineapple Malibu. I like frou-frou drinks! I also really like Riesling wines.

Sorry it's short, but I'm tired of typing!

The perfect nail polish!

I found a new nail polish last night at Albertson's when P and I stopped on the way home "just to pick up a few things" (funny how that always turns into major grocery shopping) and it is just the PERFECT shade, I have decided! It's awesome. It's a very pale shade of matte pink called Sheer Summer Blossom, by Sally Hansen, and it just looks great. It's got just the right amount of color to it to cover and look like I'm wearing nail polish, but is sheer enough that you can still see the white of my nail through it. It's very delicate, pretty, and really achieves the look of a French manicure without going to the trouble with the nail guides. I love it.

It doesn't take much to make me happy, I suppose.

So, no journal entry last night, the time we got home from the gym/grocery store, it was 10:30, 11 by the time I ate, and then I spent the last hour doing laundry, checking email and turning my nails into Sheer Summer Blossom beauties. It's okay though...I didn't have much to say anyway. I spent most of the day at the office sitting in my cube listening to my mp3 player and working away diligently. Today, pretty much the same...although I had the pleasure of writing my estimate in front of C for that fire the other day and dazzling her at how fast I can write estimates. Little does she know that she will be equally as fast in about six months...just takes some getting used to knowing the codes in our computer program. You can only type PNT B2 so many times before you start memorizing that it is the abbreviation for paint baseboards with two coats of paint! Anyway, it would have been an even more productive day if I hadn't been trapped by my boss at her desk for an hour trying to figure out a mess of an estimate that T wrote before jetting to Florida to play in the hurricanes. Oh, well. I do think C learned a lot today from watching me write my estimate, and she's sufficiently intimidated, but that's okay...I was intimidated too when I started doing this last summer. I think it's good to start out intimidated so you're not overly confident and try to go too fast...because that's when you make dumb mistakes.

One question I would love the answer to is when am I going to get to stitch again? I can't believe I haven't stitched since Saturday! *sigh* I'm thinking that this is just a busy time right now and it'll get least, it has to! At least tomorrow is Friday!

Memes, memes, memes!!!! Two days worth!

Wednesday Matinee!

1. What's your favorite science fiction movie? The Empire Strikes Back
2. Star Trek vs. Star Wars: who wins? No question, Star Wars!
3. Who's your favorite sci-fi actor? William Shatner...I loved him in the Star Trek movies.
~Robots Will Rule The Earth Bonus~ Who's your favorite robot (android, cyborg, etc)? I can't remember his name, but I LOVED Robin Williams' robot character in Bicentennial Man. I just thought that was great!

Theater Thursday!

1. Do you remember the very first time you watched a movie on the big screen? Describe it. I don't remember anything about the actual experience, but it was E.T.
2. What was the last movie you saw on the big screen? Taking Lives.
3. Did you ever like a movie so much that you paid to watch it more than once? If so, what movie? I saw Titanic in the theater three times. And now I own it on VHS and on DVD.
BONUS) How much does a movie ticket cost in your neck of the woods? $7.50, I think. I haven't been to the movies in a while.

Thursday's Tattle...

What do you drink first thing in the morning? English Breakfast tea with skim milk and Splenda.
What do you drink mostly throughout the day? Diet Coke with lime, water, and iced tea.
Do you like cold coffee drinks? I like mocha frappucinos from Starbucks with raspberry syrup.
Do you like coffee? Yes!
Do you like the taste of alcohol? Well, alcohol itself is pretty tasteless, but I do like the flavor of liquors like Bailey's, Malibu rum, Chambord, peach schnapps, etcetera.
What do you drink when you have a drink with liquor in it? Margarita on the rocks! I also like strawberry margaritas, pina coladas, a drink called Sex on the Beach, White Russians, Fuzzy Navels and Bellinis. Apple martinis are good, and chocolate martinis are awesome!

Okay, on that note, it's time for me to go to bed! I'm tired yet again and tomorrow's going to be a full day of work. Blah. But at least I have a sushi date with S and C. Sushi Friday...that's starting to be a weekly thing with me!

Tuesday, September 21, 2004

Steak and Shake

That's what I was craving in a BIG way today. I even was so proud of myself today when coming home from my fire that I was able to resist stopping and getting it...I drove right by it and got grilled chicken. And then tonight...I gave in! (Stacey, I lost the good fight!) And boy, was it tasty! One thing I love is a good hamburger, and this one was fantastic! If you have not had the pleasure of Steak and Shake, I highly recommend it. They have the best milkshakes...I split one with P.

But I officially feel like an unmotivated slug. There was the Steak and Shake tonight, but I haven't stitched since Saturday and I haven't been to the gym since Saturday. *sigh* At least up until tonight I've eaten somewhat decently, so there is that.

So, are you wondering how bad the fire was? Well, there was quite a bit of damage...and the house was definitely a shack. I sometimes just utterly grapple with the way people live. Granted, I'm no neat freak by any stretch of the imagination, but sometimes I just shake my head and laugh! And lo and started when the lady left a cigarette burning on the bed. I bet if I went back and looked at all of my fires, about half of them would be related to smoking materials, and once the mattresses ignite, they are like timber boxes! And this house had all the clothes in the house hanging on a clothes rod in front of the windows, was all she wrote in that room for sure. fire lesson for today...don't put an ashtray on the bed with a cigarette in it! It's funny though. I haven't had a fire with that heavy of smoke damage or that extensive of charring in a while, so when I got home, I stunk of fire. I immediately got in the shower, of course, which helped, but the armband to my mp3 player smells, my backpack, my clothes, my shoes...and since I'm having to resensitize (is that even a word?) my nose to the smell of burned house again, it's kind of strange.

C did well, but she said that she is very intimidated and can't ever imagine feeling as proficient as I am at this fire game. I told her that I felt the SAME way when I started and we all have to start somewhere! I still think she's going to be great. I had her tell me what she would estimate for as we were walking through the house, and she did exactly what I did in almost every situation! She's going to ROCK!

And guess what I heard today? My office decided to throw out the whole retarded efficiency measure that was going to take place next week, which is a good thing, but it's a little late now to tell me that after I worked ALL freaking weekend and until 2 am last night. Grr. Thanks, people. Do you feel the love coming from this bitter adjuster? Do ya? DO YA?

Now my memes. Ah, I love my memes! The first one, Tuesday Twosome, deals with sleep...something that I deeply treasure!

1. How many hours on average do you get daily and is it enough? Usually about seven, and no, I don't think it's enough. Optimally, I think nine hours would be perfect, but that'll never happen unless they lengthen the day! Besides, I can sleep when I'm dead, right?
2. Can you sleep anywhere or does it have to be in a bed? I can sleep ANYWHERE.
3. When you go to sleep, does it you need to be absolutely quiet or do you need a little noise (radio or TV)? I need a little noise or the silence will deafen me, give me a migraine, and keep me awake. A radio or tv will do if there is nothing else, but ideally I prefer either the hum of a fan or a noise machine that plays sounds. I have one that plays ocean, babbling brook, thunderstorm and forest, and it is very favorite sound to fall asleep to is the ocean.
4. Name two things/situations that can ruin your sleep. Dead silence as established...and heat. I can not sleep if I am hot. I had to live one weekend with our air conditioner broken, and I told P that would never happen again...hotel city next time.
5. Name two things you "must have" in order to sleep comfortably. A fan and a pillow.

And...a new meme courtesy of one of my new friends that I made through Sunday Brunch! Thank you, Toni, for the invitation to participate in your meme! Yes, I realize it's Tuesday, but that's ok...I like the questions! Here's the Saturday Special!

1. Where do you usually eat lunch? As sad as this is, in my car. Since I'm driving around most of the day, I usually am eating while I'm driving. I've just about got it down...I can eat a grilled chicken sandwich or a grilled chicken wrap and fruit now while driving without getting anything on my clothes. It's an art.
2. How many hours a day do you watch tv? Maybe 1-2 hours during the week and 3-5 on the weekend? Depends on what I've got going on.
3. What is your busiest day of the week? Friday. I'm always scrambling to wrap everything up before the weekend!
4. How often do you write letters? Every day. I send out correspondence with every one of my claim payments, and of course, there are the claims that I have to deny, so letters go out for those too.
5. How often do you speak on the telephone? Constantly. During the work day, I usually make anywhere from 3-10 phone calls an hour. Nature of the job!

As much as I'd love to stay up and watch the rest of Howard Stern's Private Parts, I think I probably should hit the sack. I'm tired! Good night!

Monday, September 20, 2004

I finally got a big fire!

And it's a BAD one. C is going to get to find out tomorrow if she truly wants to do this or not! It's a little house. It's old. It's run-down. It's in a horrible neighborhood. It's totally burned out and a total gut. The house is underinsured. The homeowner abandoned the house. PERFECT! Anyway, can't wait to see this shack tomorrow. I called my investigator (thank god he has a concealed handgun license) and we're out there tomorrow if I can get ahold of the people at the bank.

Today was a day from hell. I drove over 150 miles today around town to and from all my claims, and a day like that with lots of windshield time just isn't that fun. And since I'm going to be out in the field again tomorrow, I gotta work tonight, which is why this will be short. I'm sleeping in Wednesday, that's all there is to it! Our performance period for the year is up on September 30, and I just need to make sure everything is perfect when they do the snapshot for the year on September 30. I don't want any excuse for not getting the maximum raise possible in January!

I also need to do some laundry. I'm down to one bra left that is clean! That's not good. I am proud to announce though that my ticket to Florida is booked!

I'm waiting for P to get back right now with chicken salads for dinner, and for my computer to synchronize so I can work peacefully until bed, but in the about a meme?

Monday Madness! (Oh, isn't that the truth!!!!!)

1. My ________ is the most used piece of furniture in my house. My computer desk. I'm here working or emailing a lot.
2. The one electronic 'gadget' that I use most often is my ________. My laptop! But my mp3 player is coming up right behind it!
3. My favorite appliance, and the one I absolutely cannot live without is the _______. I don't know if I'd go so far as to say I can't live without it, but I positively ADORE my KitchenAid mixer. It makes cooking a pleasure!
4. One thing that I thought I just HAD to have at one time, and I now barely ever use, is my _______. Food processor. I still love it, but it is such a pain to clean and wash that I just find myself using other things to chop food.
5. I find it easiest to keep in touch with family and friends via ________. Duh! Email!
6. I own more cd's (or other music media) than I do _________. DVDs. I'm just starting to build my DVD collection and replace stuff that is on VHS.
7. All my important addresses are stored in/on my _________. My Sony Clie. It's a personal digital assistant.
8. If I had to live without TWO keys on my keyboard, I would choose _________. Q and X.
9. I probably own about _____ pieces of software that I haven't used in years. At least fifty. I don't even know why I still keep the stuff!
10. There are a few food items that I try NEVER to run out of, and those would be __________. Eggs, cereal, oatmeal, bananas, apples, tea bags, pickles, diet Coke with lime, Lean Cuisines, and milk. Definitely my top ten list of must-haves!

Okay, my salad is here and my puter is just about done syncing. More tomorrow!!! I'll be sure and let you all know just how bad that fire was!

Sunday, September 19, 2004

I am taking over Sunday Brunch!

The lady that does the Sunday Brunch meme posted that she was going to be taking a hiatus for quite a while due to her schedule, work, etcetera, but that she was open to letting someone else take over.

Of course I volunteered! How fun will THIS be?

So starting today, I'll be posting questions for a Sunday meme! Here is the link:
Sunday Brunch

I asked the gracious
Prinncess Stacey, goddess of blinkies, to make me a coolio button for the meme site, so if she agrees, I'll let you know and post it!

I sure hope that a lot of you will'll mean more to have friends playing! Pretty please with sugar on top? And a cherry? And Reddi Whip?

And I guess I better post the first answer to my own meme idea!

1) Do you prefer wide rule or college rule notebook paper? College rule; I write fairly small and college rule is more comfortable.
2) What is your favorite writing instrument? Sharpie ultra-fine point permanent pens. I have to have the ones that come in eighteen colors...I love them and they are awesome for drawing my diagrams.
3) What is the one office or school supply that you can’t live without? Post-it notes. I'd be in trouble without those!
4) Staples or paper clips? I prefer paper clips. Staples just rip everything when you try to remove them!
5) Describe the contents of the top of your desk.'s a mess. But right now I have a phone, a lamp, my laptop, mouse and mousepad, a file, coasters, cell phone, index cards and ones with notes on them scattered, candles, two mugs full of pens, a crystal vase with silk bluebonnets, a decorative box where I keep business cards, scissors, Post-its, calculator, scissors, matches, salt, batteries, my digital camera, all my notebooks for my field work, my Blue Book of Residential Construction, my disk drive and CD-ROM for my laptop, glass jar full of paper clips, stapler, staple remover, checkbook, address labels, a bunch of random papers, my plastic folder that I keep documents in from claims that I'm working on, binder clips and Scotch tape. Oh, and my mp3 player since I'm listening to it right now!


Good morning! *yawn*

Yesterday was just as productive as I hoped it would be. I got all my music transferred to my computer, I worked until about 5 and now have about ten files sitting there for Queenie to review when she comes in tomorrow morning, made it to the gym, walked the dogs, and finished up stitching Egyptian Sampler. All in all, a good day. Let's hope today is equally productive...I need to work a little bit more (so I can really be on top of things and enjoy my day in the field tomorrow), go to the gym yet again for legs, walk the dogs, run some errands when I'm out and about, and I'd ideally like to get a few hours more of stitching in. Plus, I really need to do some laundry! I think I also finally talked Philip into going to Jinbeh for lunch, so I'm excited about that.

My mom got a new dog yesterday...she named her Racheal. Look how cute she is! She looks like that dog from the Little Rascals.

I feel kind of bad though. Mom was so excited to tell me about Racheal that she called me repeatedly while I was trying to work (which I me once and leave a message, darn it!) and when she kept calling, I got worried that something had happened or one of the other dogs had died, and so when I finally picked up the phone and found out that it wasn't an emergency, I really snapped at her. I did call her back this morning and apologize, so all is well.

This is a meme I haven't done's called The First Four.

In honor of the upcoming release of the special edition DVD, what are the first four things you think of when I say Star Wars?

Princess Leia, hair, Han Solo, and tv. When I watched this movie, like every other young girl in the country, I wanted my hair in those buns like hers, and I tried it over and over again. Little did I know or realize that she had hair that was unbelievably long. Tv was because I must have watched this movie a million times when it was on cable when I was a kid.

And the Weekly Bit about the of my favorite places...thanks, Naida, for the questions!

1. How long have you been online? Not today, but in total, how long have you had your computer? I have had many computers since I've been online so that's not really an accurate judge of how long I've been online. I got my first email account my freshman year at Carolina when I marched myself down to one of the math and science buildings and signed up for a free edu account...back in the days where an email address for every student was not automatic. Hard to imagine now. Since I didn't have a computer back then and my roommate L's computer was not equipped to dial out (sheesh, I'm suddenly feeling old!), the only way I could access my email account was in the computer lab on the first floor of my dorm or in the computer labs in the libraries. I got a computer the next year and that all changed.
2. Do you have many online friends? Have you ever met any in person or spoken to them over the phone? I have many online friends. I met all the Dallas-Fort Worth Teresa Wentzler fans in person in 1998, and still maintain friendships with them today...and they know who they are....D, T, T, S and S! The one that I see the most often though is D. I also have a close pal in California, S, that I have been chatting with online and emailing with since 1999...and I've met her several times in person when I've gone to California for business. I met my trainer M that I worked with last year online, all my old competitor friends K, C, K, E and S online, and when I first moved to Dallas in 1996, I even did quite a bit of internet dating before I met my husband, if you can believe it! I love the internet.
3. What are your favorite things to do while online? Write in my blog, shop, answer emails, check bulletin boards, chat on Yahoo and AOL (I'm emgonz on Yahoo and emgonzalez1975 on AOL) and read articles, blogs and other things that I find.
4. List your favorite websites. Every single one of them is linked on this page.
5. Do you know HTML, Javascripts? Do you create your own webpages and graphics? Do you have any websites? I know enough about html to create this blog, but that's it. I do have my own website...this one...but the program to design it is Trellix and it is most decidedly html free...or at least, very well covered up. I also have my Body For Life transformation page....located here.
6. What do you hate about the internet? What annoys you most about it? The thing I hate the most about the internet is what a time sucker it is, which I guess is more my fault, but it's so easy to just sit there and keep reading and reading and reading. My competitor friends and I used to joke that it was a bad sign if you ate one meal and then spent so long on the internet that mealtime for the next one came around and you were still sitting there.

I guess that's all I've got for today! I'm going to go eat some breakfast and see if I can't get a few things done this morning before we head out for lunch. I hope everyone has a truly wonderful Sunday!

Saturday, September 18, 2004

Still brain weary...

...but I'm hanging in there. I slept in this morning until 12 noon...I didn't realize how tired I was! But I guess it didn't help that I stayed up until 3:30 am loading music from CDs onto our home computer for transfer to my iRiver. I swear, how did I live all this time without an mp3 player? That thing is SO cool! I switched out 25 songs on the thing without so much as a blink...took about three minutes. Ah, the wonders of modern technology!

I'm sad that I didn't stitch last night though. I was just too exhausted. All I wanted to do was vegetate, so I laid on the bed in our bedroom with Gabby and watched the rest of American Wedding (I forgot about some of the really gross parts of that movie, especially the whole truffle incident!) and then got a second wind to go load music.

So today is pretty much my day until I collapse from exhaustion. Right now, I'm blogging and loading more music. I just realized we're out of milk, so I'm faced with egg whites and toast for breakfast, and then I want to walk my dogs and start working. After I work for a few hours, I'm calling it quits, heading to the gym for a back and bis workout, and then quiet stitching for the remainder of the evening. I also really need to do some laundry in a bad way!

Just one meme for today...The Weigh It Is. I'm not particularly interested in any of the other subjects today (even though Something for Saturday is back in action at last!) and this is the only one I really feel like talking about. It kind of reminds me that my distorted body image, while under the surface, is still there. I got a shirt this week at work for getting a 4.0 file on another file(that was audited by my boss and our office manager) and I had asked for a medium size. My first thought when I unfolded it was, "Oh, that's never going to fit." I really was not convinced until I got home that night and tried it on.

How would you describe your everyday clothing style? What is your favorite piece of clothing? What type of clothing do you avoid the most? Why? Does your weight influence the way you shop?

My everyday clothing style is very plain but classic. I tend to avoid prints and stripes and florals and just stick with basic solids. My shirts are plain t-shirts or collared shirts like Polos and my pants are chino-style or jeans. I have two pair of corduroy pants, and that's about as exotic as I get. My favorite piece of clothing is a pair of very form-fitting black Docker pants with no pockets. I always feel so thin and lean when I wear those. The type of clothing that I avoid the most is the clothing that is ultra-trendy or just trying to be stuff with zippers, wild prints, stuff like that. I like to wear my stuff over and over again without worrying that it is going to go out of style. I also avoid very tight paper-thin t-shirts...I wear the tiny fit ones from Old Navy but even those have some give to them. I just don't like feeling like I look like the Michelin tire man when I sit down and those tight thin t-shirts just show every roll and bit of fat on your midsection. No thanks.

And now the big question, does my weight influence the way I shop? Absolutely. I dress for my figure. Let me repeat, I DRESS FOR MY FIGURE. One of the things that irritates me to no end are the people that are clearly heavy but dress like they are waif models. They will wear pants that are two sizes too small and shirts that are two sizes too tight because they don't want to accept that they are gaining weight and thus the tight clothes push their fat to their midsection and they walk around looking like they've got a spare tire on between their shirt and pants. Look in a mirror, people. You don't want to see your fat and no one else does either. A lot of teenagers are guilty of doing this now, I've noticed. When I was obese, I dressed for my figure. I increased my pant size every time I needed to so my clothes weren't tight. I bought large shirts and sweaters with prints so that it wasn't obvious that I was overweight, and it's the reason why there were lots of people that say, "Oh, I guess I just never noticed that you were obese before." Exactly. I hid it, and hid it well! Now that I'm not obese anymore (I won't use the word thin), I still find myself dressing for my figure. I am a dead-on size 10, but I wear size 12s so they don't look painted on. I wear comfortable shirts that aren't painted on either. But the one thing that has not changed is my love for black. I always wore black when I was heavy to slim me down, and I still find myself choosing that color for the same reason. Last week when I went to our company meeting, I wore all black clothing, and was reminded every time when I stepped into the restroom why I do. I just feel thinner in black.

I did read in a lot of the entries on that meme site that a lot of the girls look forward to the day when they can walk into a shop and try on anything and it will fit. I remember very well when I reached that day (even though I'm not quite at goal yet), and it was the most wonderful feeling in the world. That feeling is what kept me going for all those months when things were happening so slowly. I remember saying for months, "All I want to be able to do is shop somewhere not named Lane Bryant." All I can say to all the girls (and guys) out there that are struggling with weight loss is that you have to stick with it. It's a very long process, but if you will really stick with it and be true to yourself and remember what it is that you want, the rewards that you will reap will be those that are neverending. Yes, losing weight sucks. Going to the gym every day and eating like a health freak sucks. But as long as you realize that you won't always have to be so strict, there will be some light at the end of the tunnel for you. I promise.

And with that, I better call my therapist! She called last weekend and I still haven't called her back! Eep!

I hope everyone has a truly wonderful weekend...thanks for stopping by.

Friday, September 17, 2004

A hazy shade of winter

I talked to Queenie today briefly and she said that the last person that she had hoped would join me on the fire team said no today. We are at the bottom of our barrel. We are merging with our office in Longview in a few weeks, and she's going to ask one or two people from that office, but I asked her what we were going to do, as I have many times over the last month, and her response this time was, "I don't know." Talk about chilling. I foresee this winter being really long and filled with a lot of days of long hours, but right now it's hazy because it could change. Surely my managers aren't going to leave me as the sole fire adjuster in the office...are they? *sigh* She also asked me if I thought that the reason why we couldn't find anyone else was because no one wanted to work for her. I couldn't tell her the truth, so I lied and told her that I was sure that wasn't the reason.

I wish that I could just not worry about it, but I have such a hard time saying no...and knowing me, I'll let them pile work on me until I can't see the gray winter sky anymore. I just foresee a lot of ugly coming up...working my fingers to the bone the week before Thanksgiving vacation, working until 8 pm on Christmas eve, working on New Year's Day...etcetera.

So tonight I just feel kind of pensive...I'm worried about the next few months, although I'm trying not to be, and I just feel kind of brain dead I just thought way too much today about too many different things. Serious brain drain. And I have to work tomorrow afternoon to get some more done so I have a fairly pleasant week next week.

I had a great week on eating this week...I managed to stay clean all week until tonight when P took me to Saltgrass for a steak dinner. And this is how I know it was a super clean week...because I feel disgusting now after eating that meal. It wasn't even that bad either...I shared spinach artichoke dip with P, and then ate a salad with low-fat Ranch, 10 oz sirloin, four coconut shrimp, about a third of a baked potato, some bread, and then he took me to Paciugo for of my favorite sweet treat places that doesn't strike me down with guilt for being so bad. Look at that, 4.5 g of fat in a half cup. I think the same quantity of ice cream has about 15 g or so! Not bad. And I feel satisfied.

If only I had done better this week at the gym. Granted, it's not like I was just sitting around all week on my butt doing nothing, but still. I miss the gym. I'm going tomorrow morning for sure before my afternoon of work starts. P told me tonight at dinner that he is going to go spend the day and night with friends, so I'll have the whole day at home by myself to work quietly with the dogs for company.

Great memes interesting!

This is the first time I've done the Friday Q...I love today's questions.

FQ1: What is your favorite possession made mostly from wood? Metal? Plastic?
Wood: My dining room hutch. It is a blond pine, lighted, with mirrors, and we bought it several years ago at Wickes after we got married...when we lived in our first apartment that actually had a formal dining room. I filled it with all the glass things that I got from our wedding, specifically the matching candlesticks and salt/pepper shakers that I love, and it is just beautiful. I love to turn the light on at night when we have company over and the light just shines off all the glass and in the mirror and it just looks beautiful. I love it.
Metal: My engagement ring and wedding ring that I wear as a set. My engagement ring is a classic round-cut solitaire set in white gold and my wedding band is a gold channel-cut band with round diamonds set in it. I love it.
Plastic: My Disney princesses clock that hangs on my office wall.
FQ2: What is your favorite possession colored mostly red? Blue? Green?
Red: My iRiver MP3 player. It's just fantastic! The casing is red.
Blue: My Dooney and Bourke barrel satchel. It is periwinkle, and it cheers me up just to look at it, and the turquoise blue lining is the best part about it. And I have the coin purse to match it.
Green: One of my favorite navel rings is a silver frog with a green stone in it. It is just adorable.
FQ3: What is your favorite possession looking mostly soft? Sharp? Fragile?

Soft: Moira. She is so fluffy and cuddly.
Sharp: My Fat Max tape measure. This is the best tape measure I've ever worked with, and I've used a lot of them, but you have to be super careful when you are closing it or you'll slice your hands, as I've learned from experience.
Fragile: My framed Camelot Sampler. The framing is very delicate and my framer cautioned me when I picked it up to be VERY careful with it and not throw it around. Not that I would, but you get my meaning.
FQ Net Worth: If your nine prized possessions listed above were stolen, what do you estimate the total cost would be to replace them?
Hutch: $500
Rings: $2,500
Disney clock: $10
iRiver: $150
Dooney satchel/coin purse: $215
frog navel ring: $15
Moira: $60 (that's just the adoption fees I paid)
Fat Max: $30
Camelot Sampler: $400 (framing, material, floss, pattern)
Total: $3,780

Friday Feast! (Oh, I am SO not hungry at the moment!)

Appetizer How are you today? Stressed, stuffed and sleepy. In that order.
Soup Name 3 television shows you watch on a regular basis. I never miss Nip Tuck, Six Feet Under or Survivor. I love those shows.
Salad What's the scariest weather situation you've experienced? The tornado that I talked about in my blog entry from September 12, 2004.
Main Course If you could wake up tomorrow morning in another country, where would you want to be? Italy. That place just seems so magical to me.
Dessert What do you usually wear to sleep? Tank top and panties or boxers.

And lastly, the Friday Forum! (This meme is growing on me!)

1. Starting with your head down to your toes, what health/beauty products have you used/applied to your body so far today? [Forexample, shampoo, toothpaste, makeup, cologne/perfume, nail polish, etc.] Crest toothpaste, shampoo/conditioner, coconut lime verbena bath gel, Biore face wash, coconut lime verbena body spray, deodorant, Halston perfume, eyeliner, mascara, powder foundation, bronzer, and lip gloss.
2. Do you have a ritual when you take a shower, such as washing your hair first or maybe even brushing your teeth in the shower? If so, what? Do you prefer baths or showers, usually? I wash my hair and put the conditioner in before I soap up. Washing my face is the last thing that I do. And I much prefer showers. Baths are okay at night, but showers are the only way that I feel like I've gotten completely clean.
3. How do you get yourself up and going in the mornings? Coffee? A hot shower? Breakfast? Would you consider yourself a morning person at all? When do you usually get up? I normally wake up and get going with a cup of caffeinated tea (my only one of the day...otherwise it's herbal) and breakfast before I walk my dogs...and unless I have a few hours to slowly wake up, I'm in the shower immediately after I get back from the walk. I do not consider myself a morning person at all....much more of a night owl. I usually get up between 8 and 9 every morning except on the weekends...and on the weekends it's somewhere around 11.
4. Do you normally eat breakfast? What do you usually have? Do you usually make it at home or go out for breakfast, or do you prefer not to eat breakfast? Breakfast is totally the most important meal of the day. I never leave without eating it now. I usually have high fiber cereal with a banana sliced into it and skim milk poured on top...sometimes on the weekend I'll have egg whites and whole wheat toast.
5. What does your alarm clock sound like? A buzzer, music, or something else? Do you ever set your clock fast so that you push yourself to get ready sooner? Are you usually on time, late, or somewhere in-between? My alarm is cathedral bells. I usually set my alarm to go off about an hour before the time that I actually want to get up so I have plenty of time to hit the snooze. I have tried the setting the clock fast trick before as an attempt to get me out the door sooner, but it doesn't brain knows it's fast and automatically adjusts. I'm usually late EVERYWHERE I go. I'm trying valiantly to break that habit...I'm starting to set ranges for appointments now and trying to leave thirty minutes before I actually need to leave so I have enough time, but it's a struggle every day.

I need some quiet stitching time. More tomorrow from the winter of our discontent.