Friday, December 10, 2004

The definition of depression

When you wake up and realize you'd rather be asleep than awake so you don't have to think about what is making you so sad.

Overall, I'm doing fine, I guess, all things considered. Yesterday was a very rough day at work. I was in tears on the way to the office, which was not a good sign, and then when I arrived, I realized that the ONE vendor I had not instructed to please not send flowers had sent flowers...a big embarrassing beautiful arrangement of lilies and carnations with evergreen. It was gorgeous, and I so appreciated the sentiment, but it was a HUGE flag to my entire office that something had happened, and everyone knew when I arrived. I got the "Oh, poor you" looks and the embarrassing "I don't know what to say" stares for about an hour until I left to go to my appointment. Then I couldn't navigate for anything. I must have taken a million wrong turns and missed so many exits. I was fine once we got to where we were going, but then one of my customers accused me of "being out of town" on Monday and not being there for her (this was AFTER I had told her what happened!), and I just went ballistic. It was not pretty at ALL. I've never yelled at a policyholder before. It was fine and we discussed it and worked it out, but it's not good to feel this edgy.

I guess I really should have taken a few days more off work, but it would have been mutiny at my office. As it is, all the adjusters are complaining about having to keep so many small fires. I'm working as best as I can to get stuff done, and Queenie is being an absolute angel for doing a lot of the small stuff that she can to clear my to do list, but it's just hard and I just want to go back to sleep. Plus, I have this insurance exam today for continuing education and I'm not prepared. It's on personal insurance, so I probably have a pretty good shot at winging it, but I'm anticipating that I might fail. It's an 88-question exam, all multiple choice, and my boss said that she remembered it being pretty easy.

I talked to a girl at my office last night on the phone for about two hours that has had three miscarriages, and what she had to say both alternately depressed me and comforted me. I just don't feel like this pain is ever going to go away, and I'm dreading the holidays.

I did make an appointment with my therapist for tomorrow. After hearing my message on the phone, she squeezed me in on an emergency basis. I have no idea what she'll say to make me feel better, but I hope something does.

Anyway, sorry this is such a maudlin entry. I just want to get through today.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

{{Erica}} I think it was a good idea to make an appointment with your therapist. Talking about things will help you work through them. Remember, this will take time and take all the time you need! --Kari

8:28 AM  
Blogger Sharon said...

I'm really glad your therapist can see you. Just remember to let out all your feelings, even the ones you think might not be normal or ok. They are your feelings, and that makes them normal for you. Take care, and I can't wait to give you big hugs on Sunday!

8:41 AM  
Blogger Kiwi Jo said...

Sending you lots of hugs Erica ((((((Erica))))))

9:01 AM  
Blogger Kiwi Jo said...

Sending you lots of hugs Erica ((((((Erica))))))

9:01 AM  
Blogger Christine said...

Just sending lots more ((((hugs)))) your way, Erica.

9:10 AM  
Blogger Mia said...

Erica, I am still sending lots of hugs and good thoughts your way. I think your therapist will help you a lot in sorting out your feelings. But please don't rush yourself. You need to grieve and with that comes healing. Take care of yourself and have a relaxing weekend taking care of you. (((((ERICA)))))

11:27 AM  
Blogger KarenV said...

More {{{{{hugs}}}}} and good thoughts for you, Erica. I hope your therapist visit will help a little.

12:05 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

{{Erica}} y'know, it's perfectly OK to feel this way. Thinking of you, and hoping that you can work through some of your feelings with your therapist. - Jennie

2:44 PM  
Blogger Margaret said...

{{{HUGS}}} More big hugs coming your way.

3:20 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

(((Erica))) I'm dealing with a depression right now too and will be thinking of you.

5:14 PM  
Blogger Valerie (grvlgal) said...

{{{{hugs}}}} Sending good thoughts your way. {{{{hugs}}}}

9:49 PM  

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