Saturday, December 11, 2004

Insomnia?!

Despite my desire to want to be asleep, I couldn't be for some reason...not sure why. I fell asleep last night around 12:30 on the couch watching tv, went into our room around 3 am, and woke up at 5 am WIDE awake. I can't explain it. So I spent a few hours catching on blog reading and starting this entry. I finally fell back asleep around 8.

Most of what had me awake this early is work, I have to admit. So those of you that are really worried about me crying into my pillow in the wee morning hours, you can stop worrying. All I can think about is the three FULL house estimates that I have waiting for me this weekend, and they MUST be done by the end of the night Sunday night. I got another fire yesterday and from what I hear, it's going to be very involved. As much as I hate to do it, I've got to invest the time and just get on top of this stuff NOW. before it gets any worse than it already is, not to mention that it is so much easier to write my estimates when it's quiet and the phone is not constantly ringing. But considering that I have only two things scheduled for this weekend (appointment with therapist today at 3:15 and a holiday lunch tomorrow at 11:30), I should have plenty of time to get work done and caught up.

I have other things on my mind too...the miscarriage, of course, is weighing heavily on my mind. I don't really know what to say about it...I'm not really sure how I feel about it at all right now. I know it's normal to be going through this gamut of emotions, but it's very hard. P and I tried to talk about it last night, but it's very hard to verbalize, even though we're both at the same stage in the grieving process. I talked to my mother for a while this morning, and she was very supportive, although she admitted that she didn't know what to say. She did tell me that my grandmother (her mother) had two miscarriages, not that it was any comfort, but it was something that I didn't know before. Anyway, P went over to his parents' house today to set up the Christmas tree and decorate it with the kids. I just couldn't go. Today, all I wanted was to just stay home and be by myself.


The other thing that is on my mind is the holidays. I can't believe it's December 11, and there's only 14 days left until Christmas. I have a lot to do in the meantime...I really need to get my cards written and in the mail, I haven't done a lick of shopping, and I had great elaborate plans to bake a bunch of cookies, but now I don't feel like doing any of it for some reason. I just kind of wish that I could fast forward to January 2 and get this whole holiday thing over with!

The one good thing about yesterday is that I DID pass my test. I have utterly NO idea how I passed it. I had gotten a study package in the mail a few months ago when I registered with a textbook, workbook and flashcards, and all I did was review the flashcards. And this test was HARD! I was just lost! A lot of the questions were about health insurance and auto insurance, and the few property questions that were on the test were about out of state policies that I was not familiar with. But I guess I knew enough, because when the test was over, it said I passed. So, now I'm going to register for the next round, and supposedly when I pass it, I get some kind of designation and a $200 bonus at work, which is nice.

Supposedly I'm getting another $200 bonus at work in a few weeks...they give everyone in the office one if they take a certain number of continuing education hours per year. P, in an effort to cheer me up, told me last night that I could use it on whatever I want...purely on myself. And call me crazy, but I'm contemplating buying that black hearts Dooney that I want and the matching wallet. I was racking my brain for something that I could buy for myself that I would really like. My first thought was to buy those drawer pulls for the dresser that I bought from Sharon, but P was like, "That's for the baby, not for you!" He suggested that I get the black Dooney that I want, and I might. I feel awfully indulgent just buying purses, but I guess I'm in a purse phase. I don't need any nail polish, I don't need any makeup, and I don't see any point in buying clothes right now when I have gained some weight from the pregnancy and won't be able to wear them, and optimistically, I want to be pregnant again soon. So, that just leaves a new purse...again. Not that I have a problem with that...I LOVE purses, especially Dooneys. But I'll wait until after the holidays...maybe they'll be on sale. I can always hope.

I guess that's about it for today. I wish I had more to share, but I really don't. My dogs are walked, my oldest cat is snuggled up with me keeping me company as she always does, and I'm just enjoying being by myself.

Hope everyone has a great weekend.

5 Comments:

Blogger Trish said...

I haven't been much online lately and just found out about the miscarriage. I am soo sorry to hear this!! Please take time for you and don't throw yourself into too much work. Be kind to yourself and allow yourself time to recover.

12:52 AM  
Blogger Lorna said...

((((((Erica)))))) I just found out your sad news this morning. I left a new comment on the relevant post. I am so sorry for your loss. I just wanted to say that its early days yet and it sounds like you are doing really well. You are going to be sad for a while, there is no escaping that, but you are getting on with life doing things that need to be done. I still think of the baby I lost nearly 6 years ago but not nearly with so much pain. I have accepted that it was not to be, it was not that souls time to be here. The sad looks and people not knowing what to say are hard but understandable. I hope you are getting lots of hugs at home, they say so much more than words. Take good care of yourself and hang on to hope.

5:34 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey Erica-just wanted to drop by your blog and tell ya that I've been thinking about you, and that again I am so sorry about everything you and hubby are going through. You are missed @ LL and we hope to see you back soon.

Also-how sweet for hubby to buy you the pink purse. I know how much you love them and I hope you can get your black purse to match as well. Anything that will bring a little smile to your face right now is well worth it.

Hugs,
Sid (Hula)

11:02 AM  
Blogger Dianne said...

Hi Erica,
I am so sorry about your miscarriage. I had one a long time ago, almost 20 yrs now. I was about 6 weeks along. There was no question whether I could or shouldn't have a D&C back then, the doctor ordered one. I was sick when I came out of the procedure. Anyway, now looking back, I think I had a 'clean nest' and conceived again in 6 months! I was told to wait 3 and then it took 3 more. Now I have a very handsome 18 yr old son who turned out to be my only child.
Things can only get better. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
(a friend of Mindy's and fellow stitcher)

9:44 PM  
Blogger Kelly said...

Erica,

I have had a rough couple of weeks and just came on today to read your blog. Im so sorry to read about your miscarriage ((((hugs)))) I just want you to know that you are not alone. If you ever want to talk, please feel free to email me. Since I no longer administrate at TTC I am now posting over at MLB (www.mylittlebean.com).

Sending you prayers for peace...

Kelly (AKA KellyK - Emilys Mom)

8:59 AM  

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