Monday, January 24, 2005

Why can't I be happy?

Last night, after I posted my very late night blog entry, I went to this fertility board that I hang out at and read up on some of the entries in the journals, threads, etcetera.

Along with all the women that are still pregnant when I was pregnant, I got to read one of the girls' happy news that she just found out she is having a girl.

This is the same girl that I shared a due date with. Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled for her, but I couldn't help thinking about how I wish that were me too. And of course, the sadness started all over again. All I could think about today was how if I were still pregnant, I'd probably be finding out right about now if I were having a boy or a girl, I'd be well into maternity clothes instead of wishing my period would hurry up and get here, and I'd be probably getting my nursery ready. Shopping for baby stuff. Registering at Toys R Us. Hurrying to finish all my baby stitching. I'd be at about nineteen weeks right now...almost halfway there.

In other words, I'd be doing a lot of things right now that I just can't bring myself to do. It's amazing how one second you can be doing fine...I've felt fine for the last week or so, and then bam, something happens to remind you of what you lost. It's still so sad for me. I'm trying to focus on the bright side and think about how fun it's going to be to find out I'm pregnant all over again, etcetera, but I'm also very scared about miscarrying again, which I guess is pretty normal from what I've heard.

The silver lining in all of this is that my body is definitely back to normal. I'll spare the groty details for the male readers of my blog, but for those who know fertility signs, the egg white has arrived! It is SO TEMPTING to just start trying now, but I read on the internet last night that if you get pregnant before your uterine lining is thick enough, or before the progesterone levels are back to normal in your body, or whatever, you could risk having another miscarriage. I certainly don't want that, so I'm going to resist temptation and just be patient. I'm still charting my temperatures, so we'll see what happens over the next week or so. The sooner I ovulate, the sooner Aunt Flo will come, and the sooner I can start trying again! I want to be pregnant again very badly!

It's only a few more weeks, right? I can be patient.

I think I'm going to be a bad kid tomorrow and take the day off from work. A, it's 3:30 am and I'm still awake, which isn't a good sign, and B, I have a serious case of don't-want-to-work-itis. So, I just need to contemplate whether or not I'm going to think of a creative excuse for being sick, or just come clean with my boss and tell her I want to take a personal day.

In stitching news, I'm only about an hour or so away from my first finish of 2005. It could be my only finish. I didn't do so well in 2004...I only finished one thing and it was a Just Nan, which in my mind doesn't really count. I am stitching what I honestly consider to be the worst leaflet I have ever purchased. Any Dimples Designs fans out there, you might want to stop reading. I took a Terrence Nolan class about four years ago and bought the Friends kit. Here's the link to my friend Annette's finished piece so you can see what I'm talking about. I really put it on the back burner and threw it in my hatbox, so up until about a week ago, I only had about ten hours into it. I have since come to the conclusion that it is the WORST leaflet I have ever stitched from. There are errors everywhere, it is confusing, and I consider it a bad sign when you rely more on the leaflet picture for guidance on where to stitch than the actual leaflet, don't you? I really wish he had proofread that leaflet before giving it to us. Anyway, as torturous as it was, I finally was able to get the stitching done on it, thanks to my buds Annette and Terry, and tomorrow I'm going to sew the beads and treasures on and call it a day. I have done one other Dimples Designs pattern...the Himalayan Blue Poppy...I have For Amelia in progress, and I have a small selection of other Dimples Designs leaflets, but I think that's probably going to be it after I finish them. I just can't stand being so confused!

Oh, well. More tomorrow. I made myself a promise that I'm going to get back to working out starting tomorrow, but I can't take that too seriously...I've made about a million "I'm starting my diet Monday" promises over the last month since I miscarried and haven't held true to any of them!!!


Blogger Lorna said...

(((hugs))) Don't feel bad about the way you feel. Its completely understandable, remember anyone else would feel the same. Be strong, hang in there, the right time will come.:) (((more hugs)))

5:32 AM  
Blogger Sharon said...


I'm sorry you had a tough reminder. If you want to, and can stand my messy kitchen, you're welcome to come over today and stitch with me and Suki! We'd love some company. Just call me!

6:39 AM  

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