Wednesday, June 01, 2005

What is the surest way to split up a married couple expecting their first child?

Make them hang wallpaper together. I'm serious. It was about to be World War III in this house over this damn Finding Nemo wallpaper border. Painting a ocean wave line freehand? Ha! Sanding texture off the walls? Pshaw! Custom-cutting and painting baseboard? Piece of cake.

The instructions on the wallpaper card read as follows (in only that cute sing-songy way that Disney has):

Up we go! Immerse reverse-rolled border of desired length in lukewarm water for ten seconds. Position each border where desired. Use a clean damp sponge to remove bubbles and excess paste.

Oh, did I mention that at the top of these instructions it says "So easy to apply". As in, "You are an idiot if you can't hang this wallpaper border, pregnant woman."

So, my plan was to put up the border while P did the baseboards. Needless to say, the baseboards are not finished yet.

Wall #1: I followed the instructions to the letter.
Results: The wallpaper did NOT get wet enough and would not stick to the wall. P came to the rescue.

Wall #2: I rolled up the border frontways, put it in the water, and pulled it out reverse-rolling as I went.
Results: The wallpaper was WAY too wet and would not stick to the wall. Again, P to the rescue.

Wall #3: My husband unrolled the wallpaper border into the sink as I pulled it out, reverse-rolling it as I went.
Results: Perfect, of course. (This resulted also in many dark looks towards my husband for being right again.)

Wall #4: We followed the same procedure as Wall #3 except THIS wall had a a/c register on it and the border had to be cut into two pieces and trimmed around the register, only I heard my husband say, "let's cut the border around the register before we put it up" when he swears he said, "we'll trim it after we cut the lengths".
Results: A screaming match between husband and wife that almost resulted in the death of one of the spouses, but a completed finished product that Marlin himself would have been proud of and Nemo would have thought cool.

Did I also mention that this is the same man that used the TOILET PLUNGER to unstop the sink a few weeks ago but failed to return it back to the bathroom? Result: A hysterical phone call to him at work screaming at him for not returning the plunger back to the bathroom and yelling that it was his fault that the toilet overflowed this morning.

I'm hormonal. I need a shower and a couch and some tea.

I hate Disney.


Blogger Sher said...

I got a good chuckle out of your wallpapaer adventures. Hormones are a wonderful thing aren't they?? And just think, P has Menopause to look forward to in the future! LOL
I thought of you when I was romaing through the needlework kits at Herrschner's online. They have some Nemo things like a quilt and baby sampler to cross stitch. You might want to check them out if you haven't already.

2:11 AM  
Blogger Christine said...

My parents are big fans of wallpaper and we have a lot of rooms in our house that have wallpaper. I now stay away when my parents are putting it up, as I'm sure they're going to get divorced over it some day, lol!!! So don't worry, it's normal for a married couple to bicker over putting up wallpaper!

7:43 AM  
Blogger Suz said...

OMG, you gave me the best chuckle.

Dh and I are priming/painting/plastering/fixing up our new house. Several minor explosions have been heard in S. Texas.

Bonus? I have a yard to bury him in now.

Good luck with the rest of the nursery!

PS. I hate wallpaper *and* disney ;)

8:30 AM  

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